This Numbers Game We Will Not Win
I do not have happy news to share. My hCG on Monday was 41,225. On Wednesday it had only risen to 48,955. My doctor says it should be doubling every two days, and once it reaches 100,000 it would stabilize. I had another super fun ultrasound on Thursday. They could not find the fetal pole. Based on my lmp I should be 8 1/2 weeks and a fetal pole should be visible by now. Last week I was measuring at 6w2d. Thursday, which was 7 days later, I was only measuring at 6w4d. (To save you the math work, that’s a progress of only two days.) They checked for blood flow around where the fetal pole should be developing and there was nothing.
This is not a viable pregnancy.
My doctor says I can have a d&c and be done with it, or I can wait and have another ultrasound later to see where everything is at. I am not comfortable with ending the pregnancy voluntarily, so I am going to wait. I’m going to wait for my body to miscarry naturally. If nothing has happened in three weeks, I will go in for another ultrasound to see what’s going on. Then I may decide to have the d&c. It’s not that I want to go through the physical pain of a miscarriage. I know the d&c would be easier. I don’t have much hope for a miracle at this point, but I also don’t want to be the one who closes the window of opportunity for God. I want to let him be in control of this.
I was an emotional wreck on Thursday, but at this moment I’m feeling okay. It hits me now and then but I deal with it as it comes. I’m with lots of family - my wonderful, loving, supportive, understanding family. We are in Georgia for a cousin’s wedding. What a perfect time to be dealing with bad news such as this - I don’t have to go back to work until Thursday and I’m with an endless supply of support. God is still in control and he is still taking care of me.
Mike is taking it hard too but maybe not as hard as I am. He guarded his heart with this one. He had a premonition all along that this was too good to be true. He has been extremely gentle with me. He gives the best hugs. I’m scared about going through the miscarriage but I’m counting on Mike’s infinite supply of hugs to help get me through it. We’re gonna be okay.
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July 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Mindy, I am so so so sad for you. Your words are brave, but I know this is a devastating loss. I imagine Luke will be your greatest comfort, and eventually….this too shall pass. My heart and thoughts are with you.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
Call or come over anytime you need to talk.
July 12th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Mindy,
I am so sorry to hear this news. I will keep you all in my prayers
July 12th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Mindy I love you so much and I am so sorry you are going through this. If you need anything let me know!!
July 12th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
i’m so sorry mindy. you and mike are in our thoughts and prayers. please email if you need to talk. losing a child is devastating no matter how long they had blessed your life. don’t rule out a miracle. though it seems like a lost cause, God works loves to throw a miracle or 2 into our life time!
we love you.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Mindy, you are an inspiration to me and probably others. How you handle the obstacles that show up along the path our lives take. It is definitely how you weather the storms and sunshine of our lives that makes us children of God. You are definitely a special one.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Oh, sweetie…..I’m so very sorry……Your family will be in my thoughts.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Bug, I am SO SO sorry!! I LOVE YOU, I’m here for you, and I will be praying. Let me know if you need anything, seriously.
July 13th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Sweets, I’m so sorry. I will be praying for you and Mike. Love you!!
July 13th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Mindy, You have to be the strongest person I know. I am soo sorry for this news!We love you soo much! If you need anything, we are always here for you and Mike!
July 14th, 2008 at 11:25 am
My heart breaks for you.
I am humbled by your willingness to let God control this.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I am so sorry.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
We love you guys - you’re on our hearts and in our prayers! I’m so sorry!