XM: Stone Temple Pilots – “Big Empty”
Mood: Stir crazy

It’s been all numbers at work today. As much as I love numbers, I need a break every now and then. I took a very short lunch break and now I’m regretting it. I’m getting all jittery and 5:00 can’t come soon enough. So I thought a long, rambling blog post would help (because coffee sure doesn’t).

I had my follow up visit with the doc regarding my surgery. He explained the photos (this is your liver, this is your uterus, this is your stomach, etc.) so I know myself even better now than I did before He said removing the polyps from my uterus will undoubtedly improve my chances of conception. He wasn’t able to look at my fallopian tubes so he would like to schedule an x-ray. I asked when he would want us to try the IUI, and he would like us to try as soon after the x-ray as possible. Although if he finds in the x-ray that my tubes are blocked, then we won’t be doing IUI because that would just be throwing our money down the… um… tubes. I’m just hoping that this next cycle finds us pg so we won’t even have to mess with all of that. Man, this is so much harder than they made it seem in sex ed.

Mike and I are really close to having all the money we need… for fixing the carport and the driveway. If anyone is willing to work for food, we plan on doing the work on two weekends in late September/early October. After that project is finished, the rest of the remodeling that remains will just be odd jobs here and there. We are going to make a list, estimate the cost, and set a goal to have it all done by fall of 2007. We have played around with the idea of moving, but decided we’ll wait a year and then talk more seriously about it. That gives us time to fix up the house and give this baby thing one last shot.

I received an acceptance letter from Ele’s Place for entrance into their facilitator training program, but two of the training dates conflict with Chrysalis (dang all this volunteer work) so I may have to wait until the spring to attend the training. I also put a call into the volunteer coordinator at Rainbows in Chicago to see if they have any programs here in Michigan that I could get involved with. If they have something nearby, I would rather work with them than at Ele’s Place. Rainbows offers grief counseling for kids who have experienced many different kinds of loss, whether it be from death, divorce, separation, incarceration, etc. Ele’s Place deals strictly with grief from death of a loved one. I’m reading a book written by the founder of Rainbows. It’s interesting to hear how she started because it’s everything I have said I want to do. She has done all the legwork, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of that and join their team if I could? They have an outstanding program that reaches worldwide, so it would be a waste of time for me to try to reinvent the wheel.

Okay, jitters are gone now. I’m ready to get back to my beloved spreadsheets!

XM: Pearl Jam – “Better Man”
Mood: Seeing the light

“To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour.” Winston Churchill

I wrote earlier about my desire to open an advocacy center for children of divorce. My mind has been consumed with this idea to the point of obsession. I research, I write, I make to-do lists and plans, all in hopes of making something happen. I sometimes have doubts, maybe God didn’t plant this idea in my head and put this desire in my heart. I tire at the thought of all that would need to be accomplished. I get overwhelmed at the thought of having to forge the way. But then I realized that I’m getting ahead of God. If he is calling me to this he will lead me. He will pave the way, he will give me the strength, and he will open the doors of opportunity. He equips the called, right? Well, this is a big calling, and I am not yet equipped. It will take some time. So I will be patient and attentive and when that day comes where he pats me on the shoulder and says, “Now is the time,” I will be ready.

I just read this article, “No good divorce: The children’s perspective”. It’s an interview with Elizabeth Marquardt, the author of “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce” and I’m ready to go out and read the book.

This is a subject that is very close to my heart. In some way I have always felt that my parents’ divorce didn’t affect me all that much. When I read “Generation Ex” by Jen Abbas, I realized that wasn’t true. In the process of reading that book, my feelings of confusion and loss were validated and I was able to find a lot of healing.

Since then I have thought a great deal about the lack of support for children of divorce. Do a google search for divorce counseling for children and you’ll find a slew of websites, but all of them are written for the parents. We need some child advocates here. Parents can do a lot to help support their children through a divorce, but very often its not enough. One reason is simply because the parents are going through a heart-wrenching time. Divorce ain’t easy. A second reason is because these kids need someone to talk to about what they are going through, and they don’t always feel comfortable talking to Mom and Dad because it hits too close to home. How do you be completely honest about your pain and anger with the people who are causing it? I was 6 when my parents divorced, and it hurt like hell. I was mad at them both, but I never told them because they were already hurting so much and I didn’t want to add to their pain and guilt. Add to that the pressure from society. When I was a child I felt like I just needed to act normal. Everyone seemed to turn the other way, pretend it didn’t really happen or that it wasn’t a big deal. I was so afraid of expressing my feelings because I didn’t want people to think I was overreacting. Yet even with that restraint I still cried a lot:) One of the best things my mom taught me is that it’s okay to cry.

It’s so different the way children are treated if a loved one dies. Their pain is acknowledged for what it is, they are embraced. Children of divorce are grieving just as well, but because divorce has become so common I think we underestimate what they are going through. They experience pain, anger, confusion, denial, frustration, sadness, and they need to know that it’s okay to feel the way they feel. In essence they are grieving the loss of their family. We need to let them grieve.

I want to start an advocacy center for children of divorce. I also want to believe that I can start an advocacy center for children of divorce. I know it’s needed. Convincing people it’s needed may be a challenge. Funding it will definitely be a challenge. I need to network, I need to make a plan. I need to continue praying and I need all of you to pray too. This is a big dream. Will you help me?