I did some decluttering & organizing in my home office today and I came across a lot of old mementos in the process. It left me thinking a lot about how much my life has changed over the years. For example…

I used to have free time. I spent 83% of it watching tv. Not much is changed except I have much less free time.

I used to hang out with my friends more often, yet now the friendships I have are deeper than ever.

I used to be in love with my husband. That has not changed In fact, my love for him grows exponentially stronger every year.

I used to be thin. I’m a bit heavier now but I’m ironically I’m finally happy with the way I look.

I used to make more money, but I was broke and in lots of debt. Now we both make less but our bills are paid and we have money left at the end of each month.

I used to cry a lot. I’m not sure what changed exactly, but it takes a lot nowadays to make me cry. My skin has thickened over the years and I’m just not as emotional as I used to be.

I used to feel imprisoned by pain and fatigue. I have fibromyalgia. I now know what my physical limits are and have learned to work with them rather than let them rule my life.

I used to be an overchiever. I have let go of a lot of my perfectionistic tendencies.

I used to feel guilty all the time. Mostly for being such a terrible
housekeeper. I’m not a lot better at housekeeping but I no longer have
the guilt.

I’m sure I could go on but that’s what comes to mind currently. If you had told me 10 years ago about the person I would be today, I wouldn’t have believed you. But oh, I am so happy to be here. God has done so many great things in my life and taught me so many life-changing lessons.

What about you? Are you where you thought you would be? Have you changed in ways that surprise you?

Romans 4:18-21 (New Living Translation)

18 Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!”^[a] 19 And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb.

20 Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.

When the doctor told me there was no hope for this pregnancy, I took his word for it. I could have opted for the D&C to end the pregnancy right away, but for some reason felt like I needed to wait. I’ve been in a weird limbo ever since. Feeling pregnant physically, but mentally and emotionally convinced that it’s over. Until yesterday. Yesterday I felt a nudging from God that maybe I shouldn’t give up so easily. Maybe I need to have a tad bit of faith that he really could do a miracle here.

I have issues with hope. I am afraid to get my hopes up for most things, afraid that if I do it would make the let down hurt that much more if what I’m hoping for doesn’t come to be. So I am hesitant to hope for a miracle here. I am terrified to let my mind wander to the place of possibility, the idea that maybe this pregnancy isn’t over. I don’t want to be that naive girl who expects unrealistic things. Fortunately, God understands these fears of mine. I believe it was God (not Google) that brought me to these two websites:

The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage Site - “We believe, based on the numerous stories that have found their way into the Misdiagnosed stories forum, that having a retroverted uterus may alter when you may see your baby via ultrasound.”

When a Blighted Ovum is not a Blighted Ovum - “My name is Kay and I am the mother of a four year old not-so-blighted ovum. I was misdiagnosed back in 2002 and told at my 5 1/2 and 6 week ultrasounds that I most likely had a blighted ovum.  After my 7 and 8 week ultrasounds, my doctor strongly recommended a D&C due to blighted ovum. At nearly 9 weeks, we saw my baby for the first time on ultrasound, beating heart and all!”

Apparently it is not so unrealistic to hope for a miracle after all! I read some of the stories on the Misdiagnosed forums and many of them sound similar to mine. I have a retroverted uterus, which could explain why they could not find the fetal pole with both of my ultrasounds.

I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. According to the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage Site, “A blighted ovum is a fertilized egg that implants but does not develop. The gestational sac continues to grow but the baby does not grow within the sac. If the case is a true blighted ovum, the yolk and fetal pole will not be present.” In my case, they were able to see the yolk sac. I think this gives me even more reason to hope.

All of this is science and nature and miracles - stuff I won’t even pretend to understand. The bottom line is that it’s not over until God says it’s over. I can wait with confidence that he is in control and he knows what’s best for me. And that’s all I really need to know.

I’ve been dealing with some issues at work lately. I know. It’s unheard of, right?

Here I’ve been wishing my boss was a different sort of person, that he would change his personality. I’ve been crossing my fingers, hoping that if I sit and wait long enough or drop enough hints he’ll magically become a better communicator or time manager or smile more or whatever.

Well, in all my grumbling about my job this idea has only just now occurred to me. Ready for it? Here it is:

Pray for my boss.

Hmm. It seemed so much more profound in my head than it does there in print. Oh well, I’ll still give it a shot anyway.

There’s a line from I Am Legend (which we watched again last night!) that I love. In the movie, Dr. Neville (Will Smith) is stuck in Manhattan and as far as he knows he could be the last man on earth. He finds food by scrounging around people’s abandoned apartments. He found some bacon during one of his scavenger hunts and in one scene something happens to the bacon. When he learns of it he says with discouragement, “I was saving that bacon.” He has lost all of his family and friends and he could die tomorrow, but he’s saving that bacon for something special.  

I can relate to that whacked out philosophy.

• I am constantly leaving the “last bits” of food in my fridge or my cupboard even though it’s food I love - the last strawberry, the last apple, the last banana, the last box of stuffing, the last cookie. Mike bought a package of Oreos awhile back and we ate all but two cookies in a matter of days. Those two cookies sat uneaten for a week and a half.
• When I eat a sandwich I eat around the middle so that the best tasting bite is the last bite I take.
• I often put off wearing my favorite clothes so they will be clean for that extra special occasion.
• I was given a gift card once for a clothing store and I waited three months before using it. Mike and I were given a movie theater gift card for Christmas and it’s still in my purse, waiting to be redeemed.

Why not live in the moment a little? Why not make today a special occasion? Wear that shirt that makes you feel like a million bucks. Eat all the strawberries before they go bad. Wish your mother a Happy Mother’s Day on a Tuesday in February. Take a walk when the sun is shining - you can vacuum when it rains. Let’s not wait to cherish and be thankful for what we have, because God does not promise tomorrow. We can plan for the days ahead but we should not take them for granted. Today is a gift.

I finally ate those two cookies because darn it, life is short. Carpe succidia. Seize the bacon.

My sister and I had a great conversation the other day. We have lots of great conversations but this one was especially good. I told her Mike and I had begun talking about about perhaps-maybe-possibly trying to have another baby. I’m a little nervous about the idea. What’s interesting to me is that my sister chose to have a second baby for the same reason I am hesitating: we both think about retirement. When Kari thinks about retirement she thinks about being surrounded by her children and her grandchildren and all their cousins. She blogged about her vision of retirement recently. It’s beautiful, really. I think you ought to go read it.

Kari’s vision is pretty similar to mine (especially the part about living in an RV) but to be completely honest, the first thing that comes to mind when I think about retirement is my bank balance. That sounds like a shallow perspective but it’s not because I’m greedy. It’s because I’m afraid of being broke. Not that that’s any healthier. If I were to remember who is really in charge of taking care of me I wouldn’t be so freaked out about it.

Luke 12:21-34:

21 “Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God.”

22 Then, turning to his disciples, Jesus said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. 23 For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. 24 Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?

 27 “Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 28 And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

 29 “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things. 30 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. 31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

Why am I so worried about saving enough for retirement? What is enough? I don’t have any grand illusions about retirement (grand illusions, that reminds me of a great song). I don’t have dreams of traveling all over the world. I don’t want a huge house full of fancy stuff. I wouldn’t use most of it anyway. What I do want is to be surrounded by the people I love and that doesn’t cost much. Just the price of food, really.

I think I’m getting to the bottom of why I always struggle to be on time, running around like a headless chicken 5 minutes before I need to leave. I read a great article in Good Housekeeping that asked two fantastic questions.

“Do you rush to get out of bed, feed the kids, drop them off on time?”

“Do you feel as if your life (not to mention your feeling of self-worth) depends on crossing things off a lengthy to-do list?”

Yes and YES. I am all about to-do lists and I always feel like I have more to do than I have time for. The irony is that my to-do lists don’t make me more productive. They just allow me to procrastinate until it’s down to the wire and I have to get everything done at once. By cramming a bunch of tasks into a short amount of time, I am seeking a false sense of accomplishment. I do it because I think I’ll feel like I got something done, when really I just end up feeling anxious and frazzled. Not to mention I don’t ever make it through the entire list, which leaves me feeling like a failure.

I read a good quote the other day:

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is, on the contrary, born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else - we are the busiest people in the world.” - Eric Hoffer

That is so true. I do fear sometimes that I am wasting my life. If I rush around as if I have lots of important things to do then I can somehow convince myself, if only temporarily, that I am not wasting my life. I rush to get everything in that I possibly can. Sometimes I need to be able to say ”it can wait”, or “let it go, Mindy”. I need to realize that my self-worth is not determined by my ability to get things done. Let’s repeat that. My self-worth is not determined by my ability to get things done. Egads. This is a scary, earth-shattering concept for me.

Up until this point in my life I have tried to find order and peace by creating more lists or getting a better calendar. That strategy doesn’t seem to be working, so maybe I should try something else. After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That is exactly what I’ve been doing. Could it be that the way to find order in my life is to stop striving so much for organization? Can I live without my to-do list? Do I dare try? It may be a worthy experiment. I can’t even imagine what life would be like if I could learn to stop torturing myself by rushing around trying to “fit” everything in. Oh, how sweet it would be.

Turtles can’t breathe under water. They can hold their breath for really long periods of time, but eventually they have to come up for air. I feel like a turtle right now. I’ve been wandering around the bottom of the sea and now I’m on that long journey back up to the surface. I’ve almost run out of air.

Something most people are surprised to learn about me is that I am an introvert. When I am overwhelmed I retreat into myself like a turtle tucking its head under its shell. Once I am in a place like that it is hard to un-retreat. This is where I am at. I was quite busy with tax season and FPU class and now that both are over I’m finding it hard to get back to “normal”. I have a constant urge to veg. I’ve been shirking all my domestic duties. I’ve had limited contact with family and friends. I haven’t even felt like blogging. I’m acting like I’m on vacation. Unfortunately, I am not on vacation and my life won’t just manage itself. I’m headed for a mental breakdown if I don’t get out of this rut soon.

Actually, don’t things start to look better after a good cry? Maybe I need to fast forward to the mental breakdown and just get it over with. Maybe then I’ll be ready to poke my head out of my shell and start acting like a responsible adult again

The continuation of my public introspection as I read “48 Days to the Work You Love” by Dan Miller (my answers to the questions at the end of each chapter):  

1. Respond to the statement, “All progress requires change, but not all change is progress.”
I think this is true. We can change this up but unless we are making progress and working toward a goal, we’ll grow tired after a time.

2. What statement describes your career path so far?
So far it has been lateral and lacking in a clear focus.

3. How has a company change affected you? How did it make you feel?
An employer decided they were going to cut our insurance benefits, and the proposed cost was a huge blow to our family budget. I felt betrayed because I had only recently started working there and had agreed to a lower wage than I wanted simply because our insurance benefits were to be paid for.

4. Have you experienced any “failure” in your career? If so, what did it lead to?
I think the fact that I’m earning less than I was eight years ago is a huge failure.

5. What were your childhood goals and ambitions for life? Which ones have you been able to fulfill?
I only remember in high school having aspirations of teaching Special Education. In fact, that was my college major until I dropped out (I since went back to college and earned my Accounting degree). Can any of you family members out there help me answer this question?

6. Who are 2 or 3 people you know who seem to have accomplished their dreams? What do you remember about their accomplishments?
This is a tough one. I’ll have to give it more thought and come back to it. I’m curious if any of you can answer this though! If you know anyone like this leave a comment and tell us about them, especially if it’s you!

7. What do you imagine your retirement will be like?
Lots of free time to be available to people - time for family, friends, church, and volunteering.

Previous Chapters:
My “48 Days” Journey - Chapter 1

I just started reading 48 Days to the Work You Love, by Dan Miller. I’ve heard a lot about the book from Dave Ramsey and have wanted to read it, so I finally broke down and purchased a copy. Dan Miller offers up great questions for reflection at the end of each chapter and since I don’t do much pen and paper journaling anymore, I’m going to use the blog to keep track of my answers. Lucky readers, you get to follow along. If this book is the lifechanger Dave says it is, you should be able to catch at least a smidgen of inspiration from these Q & A’s. Let’s hope.

1. Who gave you your first job? What kind of job was it? How much money did you make?
My first job was at the local State Farm Insurance Agency. There was a high school student who worked a 3-5 pm shift so the agent’s assistant didn’t have to work so late. She was graduating and the agent who owned the place knew me (it was a small town) and hired me to replace her. I basically ran the office for those two hours every weekday. I think it paid around $6 per hour. I was 15.

2. From looking at your work life so far, what has been of the greatest value or worth?
I learned the most professionally while working for a struggling software company. A CEO basically ran it near to the ground, racking up all kinds of debt. He was ousted, then the Vice President took over and worked hard at making it profitable again. By that time the size of the company had dwindled to 6 or so employees. That job came with extreme challenges but it was the only job I truly loved. I especially learned a lot from the new head honcho. He was an intelligent, laid-back, well-spoken man with a good head for business. He knew how to spin criticism in such a positive way that it made you want to be better. I learned a lot through that experience about problem solving, communication, and working as a team.

3. If your job changes, does your purpose change?
No. I can’t say my job is helping me fulfill my purpose.

4. Do you think your current job will exist 5 years from now?
I’m not counting on it.

5. What would be the key characteristics of an ideal job or career?
In my ideal job I would be helping people in some way, making a difference in people’s lives.

6. When you daydream, what do you see yourself doing?
Recently I had the opportunity to help a few individuals with their personal budgets. It was exhilarating. I really felt like I was able to help, and they were all very appreciative. It was as if I had helped lift the weight off their shoulders. I think I would enjoy doing stuff like that more often. Oh, and a flexible schedule would be awesome.

7. What have been the happiest, most fulfilling moments in your life?
This is a tough one. Let me think about it… Okay, some fulfilling moments I can think of: volunteering at the children’s grief camp, working in the mail room at Chrysalis, and coordinating Financial Peace University. All of these are experiences that, although they are hard work, they always leave me rejuvenated and energized.

8. If nothing changed in your life in the next 5 years, would that be OK?
No way! I want to be growing and changing, and in the professional arena I would hope to be making a little more money and be doing something that I love, which is the whole point of reading this book!

So I decided recently I want to listen to God again. Not that I consciously decided not to, it sort of happens gradually. Eventually I realize I’ve veered off the road and I jerk the wheel to get back on. That’s the fun part for me, apparently. What I love is that as soon as I make the decision to get back in touch, God is right there. There is no searching around for him. He does not play Hide and Seek.

Yesterday I said to myself: “I’ve had it! I’m just going to call him. It’s been ages since we talked.” So I did, and we talked, and then he started showing me what he had to show me. And I always know it’s him because he seems to teach in themes, showing me several things in succession that are all related somehow.

Last night I was blogging and I read an interview with an author who talks about self-improvement (Uncommon Lifestyles and the Truth About the 4-Hour Workweek). The author, Tim Ferriss, talks about emphasizing your strengths, not your weaknesses:

Focus on leveraging and amplifying your strengths, which allows you to multiply your results.   Fix any fatal weaknesses to extent that they prevent you from reaching your goals, but perfection isn’t the path to your objectives; finding ways to cater to your strengths is. 

That stuck with me for some reason. Then this morning I found a devotional in my inbox entitled “Play to Your Strength.”

We appreciate the gifts God has given to each of us. These differences have created a need for one another. God wants each of us to need one another. The Scriptures describe the Body of Christ in the same way. Each person is a member of His Body with gifts and talents designed to make His Body perform as a multi-talented group, all playing to the same tune.

The devotional presents some good questions. “What has God equipped you for? What role has he called you to play in God’s Kingdom?” I haven’t asked these questions of myself in a long time, but maybe it’s time to revisit them. I’m not sure where God is going with this but you can be sure I’m paying attention.

1 Corinthians 12:4
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit.