Ever since this big hairy diagnosis of MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS I feel like everything has been all about me. I know this is a disease that can be managed, and so I’m spending a lot of mental energy and research (which I love by the way, I’m a Google Girl) on deciding how I’m going to manage it. It’s a lifelong disease, but I know if I take a lot of the right steps right now, it can mean the difference of years, decades even, of independence before the impending disability.

So. I feel like everything has been all about me and I’m kind of sick of it to be honest. I don’t want to be so self-focused and I’m ready to focus on other people. In the last week several of our friends and family have been affected by various bad news. Death, cancer, accidents, surgeries. It’s actually helping to take the focus off myself and it gives me things to pray for. I like having things to pray for, people to pray for.

So here is the question: Is it selfish to wish for bad things to happen to other people in order to help you become less self-focused? How sick is that?

Oh, the things you take for granted. Like walking, for example. I miss the way I used to walk. Before this latest MS exacerbation I had a nice, easy gait. Now I feel like I still have that Pregnant Waddle and walk real slow so as not to lose my balance. However, the key is I am still walking! So I need to appreciate that and not take it for granted.

Something else I take for granted: sleep. Trust me, I’m not getting much of it now with these newborn days and boy, do I miss it. I know it because last night I got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a row, thanks to my amazing husband, and today I felt like a spring chicken. No kidding, all day long I’ve felt great! And when you get one good night of sleep after many many sleepless nights, you realize what a sweet thing it is. I have a new love affair with that fluffy down comforter.

I’ve never been interested much in the subject of history. In school I paid attention just long enough to pass the tests, so I didn’t retain much. I guess I just never understood the point of knowing history, even American history. The History channel just aired a fascinating series on World War II. It was graphic and sobering and informative, and it brought up a lot of questions for me but a lot of answers too. Why do I need to pay attention to American history? Because I do not have an appropriate amount of respect for what this country has been through. This is surprising if you knew that my dad is a huge World War II history buff. He can talk for hours about what he knows, but I never wanted to listen before now. I guess seeing the images and reading the statistics of how many people suffered and died just makes it impossible to ignore. And I wonder how our society today would be different if my generation and the generations after me really understood what people who lived through the 1940’s understand.

And what do those people understand that we don’t? That war is ugly. Horrific. But necessary – because there are people who are a kind of evil that you could never imagine. Veterans must understand this better than anyone, because they were there. They witnessed it firsthand. Nowadays we live in our happy little world, where a slumped economy is deemed a crisis and sends us into a tailspin. Does anyone even remember that we are still fighting in a war? Our loved ones are over there fighting for peace and we are worried about how we’re going to afford Christmas gifts this year. I don’t think we understand true crisis. I am speaking for myself here, so if you already have a keen awareness of the war and an appreciation for the soldiers I don’t mean to offend. I’m just saying I’ve been too naive and nonchalant about it all.

There is something else those people understand – the value of community. I am thankful to see that with this economic “crisis” we are learning to come together and lean on each other. I live in Michigan so I’m seeing this on a daily basis. However, even in Michigan we are only scratching the surface on the value of community. I’m fascinated when I hear about all the ways people came together and supported each other through World War II, or even the Great Depression. We still have opportunities to hear those stories firsthand from our grandparents, but there will come a day when those memories will be lost except for what we have captured on paper and film. So take the time to listen, to learn what the generations before us lived through. I’m willing to bet you’ll gain more than just a touching story. You just might gain a perspective that will change your life.

I don’t know if it’s because of life circumstances or what, but I feel like I haven’t been myself in a very long time. I miss Mindy. I had a glimpse of her today. I was just sitting in the living room, spending time with my husband and two children (I like saying that). Luke was being his usual precocious self and said something, I don’t even remember what, but I laughed out loud. And that’s when I felt it. She was back. Maybe not for good for now, but she definitely made an appearance.

Let’s hope she comes back to stay.

P.S. Maybe it would help if I stop speaking of her in the third person?

I heard this statement on the radio a few weeks ago and it keeps popping back into my mind:

“He who provides, controls.”

It’s true, really. The more I think about it the deeper it gets. The source of provision is usually the one in charge, whether we like it or not. When you have something someone else wants or needs, it gives you an element of power over them. For example: our son loves M&Ms. He also likes getting out of bed when he’s supposed to be going to sleep. But if you dangle a couple M&Ms in front of him he miraculously starts to comply. Once we learned this, we made sure to have a generous supply of M&Ms on hand. He who provides, controls.

When I heard that statement on the radio, the speaker was discussing the problems with universal health care and with the government promising to create and run all sorts of things. Do we really want the government to be our provider of health care? And more importantly, do we really think that the government is capable of providing for us? Protecting us? I think not.

I am a Christian. I believe with my whole being that God is my ultimate provider. Not the government, not my employer. God is the one who through all these years has made sure we have food, shelter, and a whole lot more. He is in control. And that gives me an awful lot of peace.

I received some criticism today. Not the constructive kind. Just someone basically telling me in vague terms how I am hard to talk to, too opinionated, rude, and hormonal (that was the added bonus). No examples or suggestions for improvement. No positive observations to sandwich around the critique. Oh, and no call to action or request for a response, even though it was sent via email. I was completely befuddled at first. I studied the email in search for some type of useful information but could not find much. I’ve been thinking about it, stewing on it, and I keep wavering between feeling hurt and just saying forget it, it’s not a big deal. I did respond to the email, stating that if there was an issue with them or another person (because the sender was unclear as to whom I may have hurt) then they should come to me in person and we could work it out. I really can’t repair a behavior if I don’t know what I did wrong. Until then I can only speculate. But speculating is kind of stressing me out so I’m just going to pray and try my best to let it go.

I have heard it said and read comments proclaiming that it is “so sad” to have to put your children in daycare. I have never entirely agreed with this sentiment because I think there could be worse things. Yesterday I read a blog post about those worse things. It blew “so sad” right out of the water.

If you are looking for some Perspective in your life, please read Melissa’s post. The part that struck me the most in her story was the part about the six-month old baby left at home – alone – while her parents go out to work each day. You know, doing what they have to in order to LIVE.

It reminds me of all the times I’ve said to people, “we don’t make much but our income is just enough to live on”. To live on. Really? We couldn’t make do with less if we had to? We have cable, and internet, and rooms full of furniture. Our house is much much bigger than a twin bed. We could sleep 50 people in here if we really needed to. And our house isn’t “that” big. Ha.

God promises that he will provide our every need. My dad used to lecture us as kids when we were begging for things we “needed”. “Is this a want or a need?”, he would ask. He made his point, we always understood. If you really think about it, there are so little things that we absolutely need in life. Food, shelter, clothing, love. Everything – everything – we have beyond those things are a blessing and should be treated as such. But yet we are human and we continue to whine. Maybe not always out loud, but in our hearts we are always wishing we had more.

With all of this talk about recession and hard economic times, I would challenge all of you to work on focusing less on the “struggle” you and your loved ones may be facing and try focusing on what you do have. And I’m not just talking about a change in perspective. I’m talking about a whole paradigm shift. A permanent change in the way we think about our material things. It could do us a lot of good.

I was reading a blog discussion tonight about the question of how many children to have (whether it is okay to have just one or should you have more). The comments were all very positive and interesting and it got me thinking. It’s something I’ve thought a lot about but I don’t think I’ve ever really expressed my thoughts on the blog.

My first thought is this: One should never just assume they have a choice in this sort of matter. Mike and I struggled with infertility for 7 years and eventually came to the point where we were content with the size of our family – just the two of us and the cats. However, with a bit of medical help and lots of prayer we gave it one last shot, and that’s when I ended up pregnant. My hope for a child had been depleted so often throughout those 7 years that it makes having Luke here with us now an enormous blessing. Not a day goes by where we don’t realize what a gift he is to us.

My second thought is this: One child can be enough. Someone asked me last week, “so you have just one?” Just one – that’s such an understatement. He is THE one. The one we prayed for, hoped for, dreamed of. Don’t get me wrong, when I got pregnant last June we were ecstatic at the thought of having a second child. But when I miscarried in August, as painful as it was, I was not devastated (well, maybe a little at first). I had asked God to let me be a mother and he answered that prayer. That’s really all I could ever ask for. And for those who believe it’s sad for a child to have no siblings, hear this: Mike grew up an only child and he was not scarred in any way. He was not lonely; he had several friends who he is still friends with today. He had great parents; they loved him and raised him to be an honest, hard-working man. I happen to know him pretty well and I think he turned out fantastic! And if that doesn’t convince you, go read the testimonies at Swistle’s blog.

My third thought is this: I don’t do well with chaos. I often have Simon and Garfunkel singing “Feeling Groovy” in my head: “Slow down, you move too fast….”. I don’t want to miss a moment and I don’t want to be so busy that I end up in my 70’s wishing I had spent more quality time with the people I love. For as long as I can remember I dreamed of growing up to get married and be a mother, but that dream never involved having oodles of children. Maybe that’s because even at the tender age of 12 I knew my limits. I don’t like who I become when I’m busy and overcommitted and stressed. It gets ugly.

I am extremely content with where our lives are right now. It feels balanced. It feels calm. Now I’m not saying we’ve made any conclusive decision on whether to have more children or not. To be honest, it’s none of anyone’s business anyway. I’m just saying that I’m good with where we’re at.

I had an unexpected emotional outburst today. Emotional outbursts are rare for me, so I guess they are always unexpected. This particular one happened at church. I really try not to cry in public, and church is no exception. But they had to go and play that song, that one I love so much – “In Christ Alone“. That song that reminds me what an enormous gift my Christ is. That song that reminds me that I would not be where I am today if it were not for Him. My favorite excerpts:

He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow’r of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.

And if eternal salvation wasn’t enough, God has also blessed me here on earth. He is given me far more than I could have ever dreamed of. To say God has blessed us over the past few years is a gross understatement. Let me recap:

2006 brought the news that after 7 years of waiting, I was finally pregnant.

2007 was the year of our son’s birth. Though the delivery was a tad traumatic, he was born healthy and thriving and beautiful.

2008 was the best yet. Luke is still healthy and thriving and beautiful. Mike smoked his last cigarette on January 31st. He was laid off from his job in May, but that was a blessing in disguise because he has been able to stay home and take care of Luke ever since. It was also during this year that we discovered we can live on my income alone (that will be a blog post all on its own). And to top it all off, I lost eight pounds!

These were the facts I was reflecting on as the congregation began singing “God is good, all the time”, repeatedly. Of course I couldn’t sing along because at this point I had crossed over to sobbing. Tears were streaming down my face. Mike and I have been talking over the past few weeks about how God has blessed us but this morning the realization of it hit me all at once. No words can express how grateful I feel for all we have been given. It is truly amazing to me.

I’ve been staring at this blank screen while trying to formulate an intelligent or witty or at least mildly entertaining post. I have nothing. I realize my blog has lost a bit of its personality lately and I would really love to rectify that but I have been different lately and since I’m the one who writes here… well, you get it.

The problem is that I’m holding back. A lot of times I just want to lighten the mood but I feel insensitive because while I’m over here at Griddle Bandits rambling on about silly things, crappy things are going on all around me. Money problems, job problems, marriage problems, health problems, etcetera, etcetera. All crappy things happening to people I love. And I can’t fix it.

(Have I written this before or am I just having a major case of deja vu?)

I really don’t want to write about serious stuff right now. Well, there is one serious thing I want to say.

Life is short. Please do not be so concerned about what’s for dinner tomorrow or how you’re going to afford your next vacation (or even your next mortage payment). Take this moment and ponder the people you love. I’ll wait.

…Done pondering? Okay, now go tell them. We don’t know how many chances we will be given to tell the people we love how much they mean to us. We are given those chances every day but most of the time we let them slip through our fingers. One of those chances may be the last one and the scary thing is you don’t know which one it will be. So take them all. It’s the kind of thing that’s impossible to regret.