I’m sure I forgot to tell you, but I am somewhere very special this weekend. I’m camped out a church for a retreat thing called Chrysalis.

What is Chrysalis?

Chrysalis is a Christian organization that puts on 3-day retreats (we call them “Flights”) for high school kids. We basically set up camp at a host church (which changes from one to the next) on a Thursday night. Friday morning the young girls or boys (never together, we do separate retreats for each) arrive and that is when the real fun begins. We spend the next three days teaching them about Jesus Christ and showing them God’s love in some very cool, creative and often tangible ways (i.e. an endless supply of food). It’s a VERY AWESOME thing.

It’s a lot of work to put on one of these Flights and it can be exhausting, but exhilarating at the same time. I’ve been involved with Chrysalis for 14 years, ever since I attended as a young teenager in 1994. In fact, most of my very close friends are friends I met working on Chrysalis Flights. I love working these Flights. I love the people. I love the teamwork that goes on. I love that these young ladies this weekend will walk away Sunday knowing - really knowing - how much God loves them and accepts them for who they are. Did I mention it’s an awesome thing?

You know what else is awesome? Waking up at 6:15 am while other workers are still sleeping and having to get dressed in the dark. Fortunately, the iPod makes a great flashlight.

One of my many fabulous character traits is that I have a knack for making a short story long. In the Bible study group I joined we had an exercise last week in which we had to write “our story” - the story of why we live for Christ. Our stories needed to include what we were like before we met Christ, what happened when we met Christ, and how we are now, and the whole thing had to be short enough to share in 45 seconds or less. Here is what I came up with:

I was raised in the church. I first became a Christian when I was 7. I lived my entire childhood striving to earn my way into heaven. When I was 18 I gave up trying. I went off the deep end. For about 9 months I immersed myself in a life of drinking, drugs, and sex.

At that time God put some people in my life who confronted me about my destructive lifestyle. They disagreed with the choices I was making but loved me and accepted me anyway. It was then that I realized that God loved me, even the worst version of me, and that I didn’t have to earn my way into heaven. I gave up the crap and started living my life for God again.

I no longer live with nagging guilt. God gave me the freedom to stop trying so hard. He has transformed me into someone who is more kind, more loving, and more able to relax and not sweat the small stuff. I obviously don’t always have it all together and God is always working on me, but through it all I have peace.

And that is why I follow Christ. You know, in a nutshell.

Oh crap. I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in six days. Aren’t you all just waiting on the edge of your seats, like “what will she say next? it’s been a whole six days, come on! I just can’t stand it!” I stole the words right out of your mouth, I’m sure.

I will tell you why I haven’t been blogging much lately. It’s weird, I’m actually enjoying spending time with real live people. In person. For real. This is quite a change for me, this major introvert, and I can only attribute it to God remodeling my heart in that sneaky way he does (I love his sneaky ways).

It all started when I began reading the book, UnChristian. It’s about the perceptions people have of Christianity. It’s a sobering book. While reading the first half I kept saying to myself, “yeah, I hate Christians that are like that!” and then through the second half my tune changed to “wow, I’m like that too”. The book really pointed me to a very fundamental problem in my life. Without airing ALL my sins (there’s just not enough time) I will say that one of my greatest issues is that I am incredibly insensitive towards other people. Thoughtfulness does not come naturally to me. I say things that hurt others’ feelings without realizing it. If someone is talking to me, I don’t listen because I’m thinking of the next thing I want to say. I don’t call people enough. I don’t return my emails. I avoid people who are doing things I don’t approve of because I think I’m better than them.

I am very ashamed of this.

But the good news is that when God teaches me a lesson he makes sure to drill it in tight so I won’t forget. It started with the book. It continued when I decided to make a better effort to be plugged into my church by joining a bible study. As it turns out, the study they were just getting ready to dive into was one all about reaching out to people. I did not know this when I joined, but I find it hilariously appropriate. I guess this is the journey God wants me on right now. It’s a good journey, and a way overdue one at that. I mean, this is what Jesus Christ was all about - people - so it’s about time I started caring too (I’ve been calling myself a Christian since I was 7). For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I genuinely want to see people the way Christ sees them. And I believe God is starting to help me out with that.

I have always had a hard time seeing people the way Christ does, mainly because I was afraid of them. I’ve always been nervous around strangers, but after that first night of bible study I realized something - not once did I feel an ounce of anxiety about meeting the other members of the group, most of whom I had never met before. To go even further, I stayed late because I was having such a blast getting to know them better! The hostess still can’t believe it when I say I’m an introvert.

It’s just a start, but I’m not sweatin’ it because life is all about the journey. If God wanted us perfect right off the bat he wouldn’t have sent Jesus and there would be no use for grace. I am a huge fan of grace, and I’ll take all I can get of it. Lord knows I need it. Of course he knows, he’s GOD

I have been reading Angie Smith’s blog for a short while now. Her posts almost always touch my heart, but this one especially brought tears to my eyes. She started writing this post, “Ever Sweeter“, only four short months after she lost her sweet baby girl, Audrey. If you have a box of tissues handy and have time to read it, I highly recommend it.

If you don’t have time, at least read this excerpt:

This is coming from a woman who has been hit hard by some serious tragedies (yes, that’s plural) yet when she tells her stories it is unbelievable how present God is in her life. He has done some crazy amazing things. If there is a blog worth reading, it is hers. Go check it out!

Bring The Rain

My kitchen is clean. Laundry is almost caught up. We have food in the fridge. I don’t have a to-do list to follow. This is weird. I’ve been procrastinating a lot less since I decided to not rely so much on my to-do lists. See, I usually write things down so I won’t forget to do them. I found an even better way to not forget is to just do the thing right when I think of it. The less things I put off, the less I have to remember. It’s fantastic.

Rushing around and playing the martyr (”Oh, I have so much to do! Busy, busy busy!”) is a state that feels normal to me, but I don’t want to be that person. If I can manage to kick the procrastination and to-do list habit, eventually it will feel normal to just do the important things when they need to be done and let go of the things that aren’t as important if I don’t have the time. It will be like… a way of life. Wow. What a concept.

Our pastor gave a great sermon last Sunday on the Mary vs. Martha story. Luke 10:38-42. We all have a bit of Martha in us, that person who is so concerned with what needs to be done that we forget what’s really important. We forget to focus on the things that are eternal. Pastor Rod calls this “Martha Mania” and he says there are four signs to look out for:

1. Frustration - “There’s so much to do, so little time.”
2. Feeling like a victim - “Why do I always get stuck doing this?”
3. Exaggeration - “This is going to take me all day!”
4. Blame - “If so-and-so would do what they’re supposed to…”

I have experienced all of those multiple times over. I bring it on myself, for sure. Pastor Rod gave some great suggestions for overcoming “Martha Mania”:

1. We must learn the grace of silence
2. We need to sit at the feet of Jesus
3. We need to establish a consistent time to listen to God with a consistent place and a consistent strategy
4. We need to make time to be with God
5. We must learn the pace of simplicity
6. We may need to cut some things out

What I need to remember is this: SLOW DOWN. Focus on eternal things, things that really matter. Align my calendar with my priorities. Make time for God, family, and friends.

“Simplicity is freedom, busyness is bondage.” ~Richard Foster

So I decided recently I want to listen to God again. Not that I consciously decided not to, it sort of happens gradually. Eventually I realize I’ve veered off the road and I jerk the wheel to get back on. That’s the fun part for me, apparently. What I love is that as soon as I make the decision to get back in touch, God is right there. There is no searching around for him. He does not play Hide and Seek.

Yesterday I said to myself: “I’ve had it! I’m just going to call him. It’s been ages since we talked.” So I did, and we talked, and then he started showing me what he had to show me. And I always know it’s him because he seems to teach in themes, showing me several things in succession that are all related somehow.

Last night I was blogging and I read an interview with an author who talks about self-improvement (Uncommon Lifestyles and the Truth About the 4-Hour Workweek). The author, Tim Ferriss, talks about emphasizing your strengths, not your weaknesses:

Focus on leveraging and amplifying your strengths, which allows you to multiply your results.   Fix any fatal weaknesses to extent that they prevent you from reaching your goals, but perfection isn’t the path to your objectives; finding ways to cater to your strengths is. 

That stuck with me for some reason. Then this morning I found a devotional in my inbox entitled “Play to Your Strength.”

We appreciate the gifts God has given to each of us. These differences have created a need for one another. God wants each of us to need one another. The Scriptures describe the Body of Christ in the same way. Each person is a member of His Body with gifts and talents designed to make His Body perform as a multi-talented group, all playing to the same tune.

The devotional presents some good questions. “What has God equipped you for? What role has he called you to play in God’s Kingdom?” I haven’t asked these questions of myself in a long time, but maybe it’s time to revisit them. I’m not sure where God is going with this but you can be sure I’m paying attention.

1 Corinthians 12:4
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit.

My stepmom is currently in the hospital for emergency gallbladder surgery. I just spoke with her and she is heavily medicated, waiting for the hospital to have an opening to take her in for surgery. She has never been good with pain and I’m sure she is scared right now, so I’m just asking that you take a minute to pray for her.

I’m reading an autobiography by Joanie Yoder called “Finding The God-Dependent Life.” Joanie was my great aunt. She was a missionary in England so I didn’t see her very often, but the few times I did get the privilege to spend time with her, we had wonderful, memorable conversations. She passed away in 2004 and she is certainly missed. She was loved dearly by many, including me. The story of her life is quite amazing. She shares in her book how she struggled with extreme anxiety and agoraphobia and how she overcame it through prayer and dependence on God. In the particular section I read today she tells of how she started a Bible study for the women in her neighborhood. At the first meeting she was terrified to speak to the women, much less pray with them, but she was determined to try. She had that mustard seed of faith that God would give her the strength. She said in order to step out in faith she had to decide that she was willing to fail in her efforts for the Lord.

As I was reading that chapter in her life I immediately thought of my Financial Peace class at church. Leading this class has been a total expansion of my comfort zone, but there is one area I still really hold back in. At the end of each night I sense a nudging from the Holy Spirit that I need to pray with my small group, and at the end of each night I ignore that nudging because I’m afraid. I am deciding today to take my Aunt Joanie’s attitude with me to class tomorrow. I need to be willing to sound like a complete and utter bumbling idiot in an effort to pray with my group, because that’s where I know God is trying to lead me. Group prayer has always been a challenge for me but I must not let fear keep me from it anymore.

I always feel better after talking to him. How do I forget him so easily? I’ve been asking that question for years and have yet to find the answer. The best I can come up with is that I’m human. Of course he knows that I’m human and he has plenty of grace to make up for it. I just hate that I keep taking advantage of that. But I guess his grace covers that too.

You know when you meet up with an old friend you haven’t seen in awhile, and you chat like no time has passed, grinning from ear to ear the entire time? That’s what it’s like with God, only 38,000 times better. It’s coming home again, only you didn’t know you were homesick. You were so used to your present state you didn’t realize it. For example, I didn’t know I had been sleeping poorly until I got pregnant and realized what good sleep felt like. You could also use the boiling frog parable. It’s all the same concept. When we let our guards down or stop paying attention, we reach a dangerous state of complacency.

I can’t say my complacency has really reached a point of danger, but I have been sensing a nagging, a tug at my heart as if there is something missing. Or someone, rather. I have this amazing family, amazing friends, and yet there is still this space that is left open, reserved only for my creator.

Maybe subconsciously I want to become distant from God, so that when I come back to him I appreciate him that much more. Maybe secretly I like that euphoric rush that comes with reconnecting, and as a result have adopted a martyr mentality. I say every time that I don’t want to go back to that lonely place but somehow I always do. Whatever the reason, I am just thankful that God continues to woo me back to him.

“Slow down. Hold still.
It’s not as if it’s a matter of will.
Someone’s circling. Someone’s moving
a little lower than the angels.
This voice calling me to you:
it’s just barely coming through.
Still, I clearly hear my name.
I’ve been fingering the flame
like tomorrow’s martyr.
It gets harder to believe.

All I need is everything.
Inside, outside, feel new skin.
All I need is everything.
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again.”

~”All I Need Is Everything” by Over the Rhine