We recently added a new family member, and he sleeps in the basement. A treadmill! Mike got a great deal on it and he has been working diligently on decluttering and organizing his workspace down there so walking on it is actually a pretty pleasant experience. My plan is to get up around 5:30 am (at least on weekdays) and walk for 20 minutes or so. Walk, shower, dress, and then off to work I go! It’s only been a few days but I would really like to stay motivated and stick with it.

I’m trying to stick with lots of new routines lately. Brushing my teeth twice a day, washing my face, packing my lunch and laying my clothes out at night for the next day of work, grocery shopping on a weekly basis, cooking meals for my family. It sounds like a lot when I list it out but they are all things that when done, make me feel a lot more peaceful throughout the day. If I wake up late (like today) I don’t have to rush around trying to figure out what to wear or what to bring to eat for lunch.

This morning is interesting to note. I went to bed at 11 pm after completing the whole night routine and preparing the crock pot for tomorrow’s dinner. I had fully intended on getting up early as I had done the morning before. The only problem was that the morning before I actually got up before my alarm went off, so I turned it off so as not to wake up the hubby at 5:30 am. Last night it didn’t occur to me to turn it back on. You could call it one of those subsconscious but intentional mistakes, but I think it was God letting me forget because he knew I would need the rest. Poor Natalie had her immunization shots yesterday and they must have some weird effect on her energy because she was up – wide awake – at 3 am. Mike tried desperately to get her to sleep. He fed her, changed her, wrapped her up, did all he could but an hour later she still wasn’t having it. So I got up with her and did my magic. I just held her tight for awhile, standing and rocking until she eventually fell fast asleep. When I crawled back into bed I was still expecting to get up with the alarm at 5:30 so when I happened to open my eyes at 6:15, I can’t say I was too disappointed. I would have liked to get the workout in but I know I needed the sleep.

I like how God works his hands in even the little things.

I heard this statement on the radio a few weeks ago and it keeps popping back into my mind:

“He who provides, controls.”

It’s true, really. The more I think about it the deeper it gets. The source of provision is usually the one in charge, whether we like it or not. When you have something someone else wants or needs, it gives you an element of power over them. For example: our son loves M&Ms. He also likes getting out of bed when he’s supposed to be going to sleep. But if you dangle a couple M&Ms in front of him he miraculously starts to comply. Once we learned this, we made sure to have a generous supply of M&Ms on hand. He who provides, controls.

When I heard that statement on the radio, the speaker was discussing the problems with universal health care and with the government promising to create and run all sorts of things. Do we really want the government to be our provider of health care? And more importantly, do we really think that the government is capable of providing for us? Protecting us? I think not.

I am a Christian. I believe with my whole being that God is my ultimate provider. Not the government, not my employer. God is the one who through all these years has made sure we have food, shelter, and a whole lot more. He is in control. And that gives me an awful lot of peace.

I don’t stress about money as much as I used to, but occasionally I come away from balancing the checkbook with a crummy feeling in my gut. Not because of the numbers. The numbers look fine. Miraculously, we are doing fine right now. More than fine, really. God is providing for us. Yet still I have this crummy feeling. It’s the control freak inside me screaming, “What’s the plan? What’s gonna happen next? I need to know!” And as much as I scream, God never tells me what’s next. It’s really freakin’ annoying. And the old saying, “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future” does not offer any reassurance. I am still human no matter how many times you say that to me. I still want to know!

I have so many variables up in the air right now and it is driving me crazy. But the good news is that it’s only been driving me crazy since yesterday and that crummy feeling will dissipate in a few days. That’s usually how it goes. Oh I’m sure it will come back to haunt me but it never stays for long. Thank God for that. And thank God for providing for us and for NOT telling me what’s coming next. Because if he did, you know I would just have to get my grubby hands in there and muck it up.

I had an unexpected emotional outburst today. Emotional outbursts are rare for me, so I guess they are always unexpected. This particular one happened at church. I really try not to cry in public, and church is no exception. But they had to go and play that song, that one I love so much – “In Christ Alone“. That song that reminds me what an enormous gift my Christ is. That song that reminds me that I would not be where I am today if it were not for Him. My favorite excerpts:

He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow’r of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.

And if eternal salvation wasn’t enough, God has also blessed me here on earth. He is given me far more than I could have ever dreamed of. To say God has blessed us over the past few years is a gross understatement. Let me recap:

2006 brought the news that after 7 years of waiting, I was finally pregnant.

2007 was the year of our son’s birth. Though the delivery was a tad traumatic, he was born healthy and thriving and beautiful.

2008 was the best yet. Luke is still healthy and thriving and beautiful. Mike smoked his last cigarette on January 31st. He was laid off from his job in May, but that was a blessing in disguise because he has been able to stay home and take care of Luke ever since. It was also during this year that we discovered we can live on my income alone (that will be a blog post all on its own). And to top it all off, I lost eight pounds!

These were the facts I was reflecting on as the congregation began singing “God is good, all the time”, repeatedly. Of course I couldn’t sing along because at this point I had crossed over to sobbing. Tears were streaming down my face. Mike and I have been talking over the past few weeks about how God has blessed us but this morning the realization of it hit me all at once. No words can express how grateful I feel for all we have been given. It is truly amazing to me.

I’m sure I forgot to tell you, but I am somewhere very special this weekend. I’m camped out a church for a retreat thing called Chrysalis.

What is Chrysalis?

Chrysalis is a Christian organization that puts on 3-day retreats (we call them “Flights”) for high school kids. We basically set up camp at a host church (which changes from one to the next) on a Thursday night. Friday morning the young girls or boys (never together, we do separate retreats for each) arrive and that is when the real fun begins. We spend the next three days teaching them about Jesus Christ and showing them God’s love in some very cool, creative and often tangible ways (i.e. an endless supply of food). It’s a VERY AWESOME thing.

It’s a lot of work to put on one of these Flights and it can be exhausting, but exhilarating at the same time. I’ve been involved with Chrysalis for 14 years, ever since I attended as a young teenager in 1994. In fact, most of my very close friends are friends I met working on Chrysalis Flights. I love working these Flights. I love the people. I love the teamwork that goes on. I love that these young ladies this weekend will walk away Sunday knowing – really knowing – how much God loves them and accepts them for who they are. Did I mention it’s an awesome thing?

You know what else is awesome? Waking up at 6:15 am while other workers are still sleeping and having to get dressed in the dark. Fortunately, the iPod makes a great flashlight.

One of my many fabulous character traits is that I have a knack for making a short story long. In the Bible study group I joined we had an exercise last week in which we had to write “our story” – the story of why we live for Christ. Our stories needed to include what we were like before we met Christ, what happened when we met Christ, and how we are now, and the whole thing had to be short enough to share in 45 seconds or less. Here is what I came up with:

I was raised in the church. I first became a Christian when I was 7. I lived my entire childhood striving to earn my way into heaven. When I was 18 I gave up trying. I went off the deep end. For about 9 months I immersed myself in a life of drinking, drugs, and sex.

At that time God put some people in my life who confronted me about my destructive lifestyle. They disagreed with the choices I was making but loved me and accepted me anyway. It was then that I realized that God loved me, even the worst version of me, and that I didn’t have to earn my way into heaven. I gave up the crap and started living my life for God again.

I no longer live with nagging guilt. God gave me the freedom to stop trying so hard. He has transformed me into someone who is more kind, more loving, and more able to relax and not sweat the small stuff. I obviously don’t always have it all together and God is always working on me, but through it all I have peace.

And that is why I follow Christ. You know, in a nutshell.

Oh crap. I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in six days. Aren’t you all just waiting on the edge of your seats, like “what will she say next? it’s been a whole six days, come on! I just can’t stand it!” I stole the words right out of your mouth, I’m sure.

I will tell you why I haven’t been blogging much lately. It’s weird, I’m actually enjoying spending time with real live people. In person. For real. This is quite a change for me, this major introvert, and I can only attribute it to God remodeling my heart in that sneaky way he does (I love his sneaky ways).

It all started when I began reading the book, UnChristian. It’s about the perceptions people have of Christianity. It’s a sobering book. While reading the first half I kept saying to myself, “yeah, I hate Christians that are like that!” and then through the second half my tune changed to “wow, I’m like that too”. The book really pointed me to a very fundamental problem in my life. Without airing ALL my sins (there’s just not enough time) I will say that one of my greatest issues is that I am incredibly insensitive towards other people. Thoughtfulness does not come naturally to me. I say things that hurt others’ feelings without realizing it. If someone is talking to me, I don’t listen because I’m thinking of the next thing I want to say. I don’t call people enough. I don’t return my emails. I avoid people who are doing things I don’t approve of because I think I’m better than them.

I am very ashamed of this.

But the good news is that when God teaches me a lesson he makes sure to drill it in tight so I won’t forget. It started with the book. It continued when I decided to make a better effort to be plugged into my church by joining a bible study. As it turns out, the study they were just getting ready to dive into was one all about reaching out to people. I did not know this when I joined, but I find it hilariously appropriate. I guess this is the journey God wants me on right now. It’s a good journey, and a way overdue one at that. I mean, this is what Jesus Christ was all about – people – so it’s about time I started caring too (I’ve been calling myself a Christian since I was 7). For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I genuinely want to see people the way Christ sees them. And I believe God is starting to help me out with that.

I have always had a hard time seeing people the way Christ does, mainly because I was afraid of them. I’ve always been nervous around strangers, but after that first night of bible study I realized something – not once did I feel an ounce of anxiety about meeting the other members of the group, most of whom I had never met before. To go even further, I stayed late because I was having such a blast getting to know them better! The hostess still can’t believe it when I say I’m an introvert.

It’s just a start, but I’m not sweatin’ it because life is all about the journey. If God wanted us perfect right off the bat he wouldn’t have sent Jesus and there would be no use for grace. I am a huge fan of grace, and I’ll take all I can get of it. Lord knows I need it. Of course he knows, he’s GOD

I have been reading Angie Smith’s blog for a short while now. Her posts almost always touch my heart, but this one especially brought tears to my eyes. She started writing this post, “Ever Sweeter“, only four short months after she lost her sweet baby girl, Audrey. If you have a box of tissues handy and have time to read it, I highly recommend it.

If you don’t have time, at least read this excerpt:

This is coming from a woman who has been hit hard by some serious tragedies (yes, that’s plural) yet when she tells her stories it is unbelievable how present God is in her life. He has done some crazy amazing things. If there is a blog worth reading, it is hers. Go check it out!

Bring The Rain

My kitchen is clean. Laundry is almost caught up. We have food in the fridge. I don’t have a to-do list to follow. This is weird. I’ve been procrastinating a lot less since I decided to not rely so much on my to-do lists. See, I usually write things down so I won’t forget to do them. I found an even better way to not forget is to just do the thing right when I think of it. The less things I put off, the less I have to remember. It’s fantastic.

Rushing around and playing the martyr (“Oh, I have so much to do! Busy, busy busy!”) is a state that feels normal to me, but I don’t want to be that person. If I can manage to kick the procrastination and to-do list habit, eventually it will feel normal to just do the important things when they need to be done and let go of the things that aren’t as important if I don’t have the time. It will be like… a way of life. Wow. What a concept.

Our pastor gave a great sermon last Sunday on the Mary vs. Martha story. Luke 10:38-42. We all have a bit of Martha in us, that person who is so concerned with what needs to be done that we forget what’s really important. We forget to focus on the things that are eternal. Pastor Rod calls this “Martha Mania” and he says there are four signs to look out for:

1. Frustration – “There’s so much to do, so little time.”
2. Feeling like a victim – “Why do I always get stuck doing this?”
3. Exaggeration – “This is going to take me all day!”
4. Blame – “If so-and-so would do what they’re supposed to…”

I have experienced all of those multiple times over. I bring it on myself, for sure. Pastor Rod gave some great suggestions for overcoming “Martha Mania”:

1. We must learn the grace of silence
2. We need to sit at the feet of Jesus
3. We need to establish a consistent time to listen to God with a consistent place and a consistent strategy
4. We need to make time to be with God
5. We must learn the pace of simplicity
6. We may need to cut some things out

What I need to remember is this: SLOW DOWN. Focus on eternal things, things that really matter. Align my calendar with my priorities. Make time for God, family, and friends.

“Simplicity is freedom, busyness is bondage.” ~Richard Foster

So I decided recently I want to listen to God again. Not that I consciously decided not to, it sort of happens gradually. Eventually I realize I’ve veered off the road and I jerk the wheel to get back on. That’s the fun part for me, apparently. What I love is that as soon as I make the decision to get back in touch, God is right there. There is no searching around for him. He does not play Hide and Seek.

Yesterday I said to myself: “I’ve had it! I’m just going to call him. It’s been ages since we talked.” So I did, and we talked, and then he started showing me what he had to show me. And I always know it’s him because he seems to teach in themes, showing me several things in succession that are all related somehow.

Last night I was blogging and I read an interview with an author who talks about self-improvement (Uncommon Lifestyles and the Truth About the 4-Hour Workweek). The author, Tim Ferriss, talks about emphasizing your strengths, not your weaknesses:

Focus on leveraging and amplifying your strengths, which allows you to multiply your results.   Fix any fatal weaknesses to extent that they prevent you from reaching your goals, but perfection isn’t the path to your objectives; finding ways to cater to your strengths is. 

That stuck with me for some reason. Then this morning I found a devotional in my inbox entitled “Play to Your Strength.”

We appreciate the gifts God has given to each of us. These differences have created a need for one another. God wants each of us to need one another. The Scriptures describe the Body of Christ in the same way. Each person is a member of His Body with gifts and talents designed to make His Body perform as a multi-talented group, all playing to the same tune.

The devotional presents some good questions. “What has God equipped you for? What role has he called you to play in God’s Kingdom?” I haven’t asked these questions of myself in a long time, but maybe it’s time to revisit them. I’m not sure where God is going with this but you can be sure I’m paying attention.

1 Corinthians 12:4
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit.