Mike and I watched a movie on Friday and one of the previews shown before the movie was for a really sappy sad movie. I said to Mike, “I probably won’t be seeing that one. I don’t really care to pay money to feel sad.” Real life gives us enough reasons to feel sad.

My grandpa is very sick right now. So sick that the medical professionals have sent him home to be cared for by hospice. He doesn’t have many days left on this earth. Mike and I went to visit him today, along with my mom and siblings and all the kiddos. We chatted about sudoku puzzles and hospital food. The kids were adorable entertainment, as always. We had a nice time.

I hate goodbyes. I am not terribly close to my Grandpa Morris, but I realized today that I love him more dearly than I knew. He is loving, generous, and thoughtful. He has the gift of hospitality and he truly enjoys being surrounded by family. It was great to see the joy on his face at having us all there in his home. It was painful to see the sadness in his eyes as we said our goodbyes. It was so hard to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.

I hate goodbyes.

I have been reading Angie Smith’s blog for a short while now. Her posts almost always touch my heart, but this one especially brought tears to my eyes. She started writing this post, “Ever Sweeter“, only four short months after she lost her sweet baby girl, Audrey. If you have a box of tissues handy and have time to read it, I highly recommend it.

If you don’t have time, at least read this excerpt:

This is coming from a woman who has been hit hard by some serious tragedies (yes, that’s plural) yet when she tells her stories it is unbelievable how present God is in her life. He has done some crazy amazing things. If there is a blog worth reading, it is hers. Go check it out!

Bring The Rain

XM: Stone Temple Pilots - “Big Empty”
Mood: Stir crazy

It’s been all numbers at work today. As much as I love numbers, I need a break every now and then. I took a very short lunch break and now I’m regretting it. I’m getting all jittery and 5:00 can’t come soon enough. So I thought a long, rambling blog post would help (because coffee sure doesn’t).

I had my follow up visit with the doc regarding my surgery. He explained the photos (this is your liver, this is your uterus, this is your stomach, etc.) so I know myself even better now than I did before He said removing the polyps from my uterus will undoubtedly improve my chances of conception. He wasn’t able to look at my fallopian tubes so he would like to schedule an x-ray. I asked when he would want us to try the IUI, and he would like us to try as soon after the x-ray as possible. Although if he finds in the x-ray that my tubes are blocked, then we won’t be doing IUI because that would just be throwing our money down the… um… tubes. I’m just hoping that this next cycle finds us pg so we won’t even have to mess with all of that. Man, this is so much harder than they made it seem in sex ed.

Mike and I are really close to having all the money we need… for fixing the carport and the driveway. If anyone is willing to work for food, we plan on doing the work on two weekends in late September/early October. After that project is finished, the rest of the remodeling that remains will just be odd jobs here and there. We are going to make a list, estimate the cost, and set a goal to have it all done by fall of 2007. We have played around with the idea of moving, but decided we’ll wait a year and then talk more seriously about it. That gives us time to fix up the house and give this baby thing one last shot.

I received an acceptance letter from Ele’s Place for entrance into their facilitator training program, but two of the training dates conflict with Chrysalis (dang all this volunteer work) so I may have to wait until the spring to attend the training. I also put a call into the volunteer coordinator at Rainbows in Chicago to see if they have any programs here in Michigan that I could get involved with. If they have something nearby, I would rather work with them than at Ele’s Place. Rainbows offers grief counseling for kids who have experienced many different kinds of loss, whether it be from death, divorce, separation, incarceration, etc. Ele’s Place deals strictly with grief from death of a loved one. I’m reading a book written by the founder of Rainbows. It’s interesting to hear how she started because it’s everything I have said I want to do. She has done all the legwork, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of that and join their team if I could? They have an outstanding program that reaches worldwide, so it would be a waste of time for me to try to reinvent the wheel.

Okay, jitters are gone now. I’m ready to get back to my beloved spreadsheets!

Camp Forget-Me-Not was again a success! This is a weekend day camp that Ingham Hospice and Ele’s Place put on for kids who have experienced the death of a loved one. They held the first camp in Lansing in 2002 and I have volunteered for them every year. The camp is held at Woldumar Nature Center and the staff there is amazing. We do support group sessions with the kids but we also do a ton of fun activities. I look forward to it every year!

Grieving kids are just like other kids, but often they feel alone because their peers don’t understand what they are going through. Other kids and even adults don’t know how to treat them sometimes because they haven’t experienced tragedy like these kids have. There’s fear of saying the wrong thing so often they don’t say anything at all. This camp gives kids a chance to feel normal and know they are not alone in what they are going through.

Last year I was a “buddy” in the oldest group, the 12 & 13 year olds. I had such a blast with them so I requested to be with that same age group again this year.

Left to right: Maddie, Lauryn, Tabby, Kim, Cindy, Kayla, Mindy.

Local Camp Helping Kids Cope

Above is a link to the story Channel 6 News aired. The girl who was interviewed, Kayla Cooper, was in my group for the past two years. The age range is kindergarten through 7th grade so this was her last year. She’s an amazing young woman and I hope to stay in touch with her in the years to come.

My hair shows up in the video several times, and you’ll see me at the end pictured standing next to Kayla. Thank goodness they didn’t show my face in the Chubby Bunny marshmallow eating contest. In this picture I only have one marshmallow in my mouth. My max was five, but my camera battery died so we didn’t get any shots of it. I would have made it to six if I wasn’t laughing so hard. Dad, what’s your record in this game?

Update: Here is the article from the Lansing State Journal.

Coffee + Donut Holes = Super Yummy & Nostalgic

Coffee and donuts reminds me of Grandma Selleck. Actually coffee alone reminds me of her. The scent of magnolias reminds me of her. Crochet reminds me of her. They are sweet, sweet memories. It’s been so long since she died that many of my memories of her have grown faint, sadly, so it’s nice when something simple like that brings her back to mind. And I believe the recent passing of Grandma Ruby is stirring up some old feelings of pain from Grandma Selleck’s passing. I miss her.

As I was typing that last post I received a phone call from my dad. My Dear Great Grandma Ruby, just shy of age 98, passed away this morning. We knew this was coming, and she has been ready to go for some time now, but it still hurts. I don’t think I ever would have felt like I had enough time with her. I can almost describe her using one word: JOY. All the time, she oozed joy. Joy and love. When you walked into the room her eyes would light up and you would forget you were talking with someone who had lived nearly 10 decades. Her spirit never grew old. She remembered stories of her childhood like they had happened yesterday. She loved oatmeal, and I always felt kindred to her for that reason. Our shared love of oatmeal was proof that I was, in fact, related to this wonderful woman of God. Ah, well, what more can I say? We will all miss her so much.

This picture is of her and my grandpa (her son) on her 96th birthday.

I just got back from volunteering at Camp Forget-Me-Not, a two day camp helping kids deal with grief from losing a loved one. I was a “buddy,” someone who supports the kids and helps keep them in line. This was my fourth year. Every year these kids knock my socks off. They are amazing. (I am realizing how much I love kids. Every last one of them. I think I need to find more opportunities like this…)

This year I had the oldest group, the 12 & 13 year olds. I think this age was my favorite so far, maybe because I remember being that age better than I remember being any other age. What I remember most about it is that I felt like I had a lot to say and a lot to offer, but many times didn’t feel like anyone would listen or take me seriously. So it’s nice to have the opportunity to let those kids know that there are people who will listen and believe that what they say has value. Plus they know how to act silly and you know I love that because I am silly too.

These were the kids in my group (and look, they are all wearing my favorite color):

Can I just say that it has been a rough week? I am sad. A little bitter. Two hopes crushed in one week. I’m sort of wondering why we allow ourselves to get our hopes up about things. Optimism can’t magically make it happen. It just makes it hurt more when it doesn’t happen.