It is days like these I wonder if I’m gonna make it. I have felt strong and positive up to this point about the MS diagnosis, but the last few days have been very hard. Obviously being 36 weeks pregnant is making it worse than it needs to be, but I have 18 days until the baby will be delivered via c-section. Eighteen days seems like FOREVER when it takes every ounce of gumption you have to do routine tasks such as rolling over in bed or standing up or walking three feet. I know mobility goes down the more and more pregnant you get, but the MS just compounds the issue. It’s getting cold here in Michigan and when my legs are cold they tighten right up, making it extremely difficult to move or bend them. I try to keep them warm but I can’t feel if they are getting too cold because the sensation in my legs and feet is all messed up. My nerves are like a chewed up power cord and the messages aren’t getting through to my brain. It’s like a sick game of Telephone.

Every day I struggle with the thought of starting my maternity leave early. Every morning the thought of one more day of work torments me. But really, the real hard work is just the work of moving around. If I can just get to my desk each day then the hard part is over. It actually helps to be able to just sit and focus on something other than the crap going on with my body. When I’m working I don’t feel like such a prisoner.

I guess you could say today is a bad day. I know there will be bad days but there will be good ones too. And maybe sometimes the days will have a little of both good and bad. It’s only noon so it’s not too late for a little good to show up. And if it doesn’t, there is always tomorrow.

I just wanted to thank everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I am just so overwhelmed at all the people who came out of the woodwork to express their love and concern. People I haven’t seen or spoke to in years! I am overwhelmed and speechless. Thank you. It’s a huge comfort to know we are not alone in this fight!

I’m not going to go into too much detail here because it’s a lot to explain, so let me try to summarize.

The problem showed itself more than 5 weeks ago when I started to experience numbness and tingling in the left side of my face. Around that time I also started experiencing a great deal of pain and itching in my upper arm. We consulted with doctors, made a trip to the emergency room, and eventually scored a referral to a neurologist. The neurologist ordered an MRI of my brain. Since I am pregnant there isn’t much testing they can do, but a brain MRI is a good start. About one week after the MRI I started experiencing numbness and tingling in my feet. It scared me, but I hung on to the hope that it was just caused by the pregnancy. Then the numbness started spreading. Over the course of a week or so, the numbness spread upward on my right side, all the way up to my breastbone. In addition to numbness and tingling, I also started noticing that my muscles felt very weak in my right leg and I was having trouble walking (more trouble than you would expect even at 7 months pregnant). It scared me – big time - but I hung on to the hope that it was just caused by the pregnancy.

I finally met with the neurologist to go over my MRI results just this past Tuesday. My husband came with me for support (he would have it no other way) and it was a good thing he did. As I sat there at the neurologist’s desk, the doctor announced to us as gently and compassionately as he could that I have multiple sclerosis. If you put all the pieces together - the three occurrences of numbness and tingling, the MRI results, and possibly the third nerve palsy I experienced in 2004 – MS is the only explanation.

And this changes everything.

The unknown is always scary. Giving my experience a name doesn’t exactly cure that. Multiple sclerosis is a whole world of unknowns. Everyone’s experience is as unique as their fingerprints. And you just don’t know what your experience will end up looking like. My faith in God is crucial in dealing with this. I am scared, but I can’t imagine how much more scared I would be if I didn’t have my relationship with God.

What do I do next? Well, at this point we are focusing on getting me through this pregnancy. The Neuro tells us that the chance of having a greater “attack” within 3 months of having a baby is very high. He recommends an injectible drug that I would need to start taking immediately after I have the baby. It’s not safe for pregnancy or breastfeeding, so I’ll have to start stocking up on formula. It’s a bummer because I was planning on breastfeeding, but I know it’s important for a momma to be healthy so she can care for her children. Healthy mom, healthy baby. That’s what matters.

We’ve also had a complete reversal in our childbirth plans. I was so gung-ho on having a natural delivery so I could let my body do what it’s designed to do. The irony here has not escaped me. Now my body is changing in ways it shouldn’t. With all the numbness, tingling, and muscle weakness I do not believe my body could successfully push out a baby. We have decided to schedule a repeat cesearean section and strangely, I have complete peace about it. In four short weeks I’ll be holding my baby in my arms. And I hope to have moments upon moments where that will be all that matters. I hope to let all this talk of illness and fear fade to the back while I enjoy gazing into my daughter’s eyes and counting her fingers and toes.

It’s been a full month now and I’m starting to get used to the numbness on the left side of my face. So the numbness that has appeared in my feet and lower legs doesn’t bother me too much. The stabbing pain and itching in my left arm is harder to get used to, but it does seem to be getting better overall. I still don’t know what’s going on with me. All I can say is my nerves are shot! Literally Well let’s hope not for good.

I see the neurologist again on Tuesday to go over my MRI results and I’m just hoping he says I don’t have MS and that there is no permanent nerve damage. I was freaking out last Tuesday because I let fear creep in and I was totally convinced I had MS. But after lots of prayer and a good conversation with my mom and then Mike, I was able to calm down and remember that God still has my back. I was mostly just afraid that I would become disabled and that we would run out of money, lose our house, have to live on the streets, starve to death, etc. Not exactly rational, but that’s what fear does to you sometimes. Then I was reminded of all the ways God has provided for us. He has NEVER let us linger in need of any of our basic necessities and in fact has blessed us beyond what we could ever have hoped for.

So there. Worrying about it does nothing to solve the issue. I have no control over it anyway. I am trusting in God on this one. Big time.

So. I’ve been having some unexplained health issues, not related to pregnancy. It started two and a half weeks ago with a slight numbness in my tongue. Over time it progressed, only on the left side, to a numbness/tingling/burning sensation throughout my teeth, gums, and cheek. I also at the same time noticed a small sore on my left upper arm that was causing me considerable pain that’s hard to describe. The sore looked like a small bug bite, but it was causing a lot of sharp nerve pain throughout my arm.

After a week of experiencing these mysterious symptoms, I mentioned the issues to my OB at my last prenatal visit. He was stumped but suggested I see a neurologist if symptoms persisted or worsened. Well, they did. I called the OB to get a referral and they instead told me to go straight to the ER, because a neurologist referral could take weeks. I did as he suggested but it was all a waste of time. I spent 6 hours at the ER and after a CT scan and blood work and much waiting (thank goodness the Tigers were playing), we were told that a neurologist (or any doctor for that matter) could not see me and that I would have to call in the morning to get a referral. We left with much discouragement, but not after fighting a good fight. Our health care system can be very frustrating at times.

I called my OB’s office the next morning and they asked me to come in for further consultation. Even though it is an obstetric office, the new OB on staff was extremely curious and seemed to have quite a bit of knowledge in the area of neurology. It was extremely comforting to talk with someone who seemed interested in getting to the bottom of what I was experiencing. Even better, he didn’t even charge me for the visit! What he did do was get right on the phone with a neurologist who agreed to see me first thing the very next Monday morning.

The visit with the neurologist was even more comforting. This guy was very interested, listened to everything I had to say, and didn’t think I was crazy. He told me shingles could explain the sore and pain in my arm, but he is puzzled by the numbness in my face. He knows exactly what nerves are affected (he even showed me the maps, which was fascinating), he just doesn’t know why. We may never know why, and these issues may just go away on their own, but he wants to be sure it’s not something serious. He prescribed an anti-viral medication to keep the shingles virus at bay (though it won’t help with the pain, which has progressed to more of an insane itching). I’m also scheduled for an MRI tomorrow morning to find out what’s going on with the facial nerve (the trigeminal nerve, if you’re interested). The best case scenario is that the MRI will come back squeaky clean and things start to clear up on their own.

We will see. At this point I guess I’m just a neurological mystery. A real-life (mild, albeit) episode of House.

They say that pregnancy screws up your sense of balance. Something about all the fluid that surrounds the baby. I suppose that makes sense. Whatever the reason, it is SO TRUE. And I am constantly coming this close to injuring myself because of it.

Thursday night I had a fall. It didn’t result in actual injury per se, but I do have a nasty bruise as a result. On my bum. I was squatting in front of Luke at a t-ball game and I lost my balance. I think the wind knocked me over. Anyway, I fell backwards and a baseball caught my fall. Oh my goodness I was in so much pain. I couldn’t even move to get myself off the stupid ball lodged in my left cheek because I was seething with pain. Mike had to grab my hands and pull me up. Of course I returned the favor by clutching his hands so tight that I’m sure it took a few minutes for the blood to return to his capillaries. The pain eventually subsided but for a day or two I was really wishing we had a padded toilet seat.

To make things worse, that night I helped Mike move a desk out of what will soon be the baby’s room. I should not have, I realize this now, but who was going to help him? Our Buster cat may have thumbs but he’s not terribly strong. Or focused. Plus it had to be done that night because I was having friends over the next day to help me go through all the rest of the crap in the room. They came over and we worked all day and got a ton of work done. With their help, I was able to fill up my trunk with donations and find a place for everything else. But it turned out that working all day was the last straw for my lower back.

After my friends left I started to realize something was very wrong. I was walking around and every third step or so resulted in enormous shooting pains through my lower back and left leg. I could barely walk. I knew I wouldn’t make it through the weekend like that so I called my chiropractor’s office to see if they were able to get me in for a quick adjustment. They were. They even put me on the special hi-low table so I could be on my belly despite the baby bump in front. The doctor looked at my back and confirmed what I already knew: I screwed it up bad. He said my sciatic nerve, SI joint, and sacrum were all screwed up and that’s a bad combination. No wonder all the pain. I don’t know what he did exactly but whatever it was worked. I just thank God they couldn’t hear me from the waiting room cuz dang. I was doing some serious yelping on that table. No matter, I was walking out of that office with a bit of soreness but absolutely no sharp shooting pains. It was a chiropractic miracle.

I’ve been thinking a bit in my spare time (i.e. while I’m doing necessary but mindless things like dressing and showering and brushing my teeth). I think it all started when I set my goal to lose 20 pounds, and then watched as the pounds actually started to come off. That still amazes me, but whatever.

The thing is, I’m having a sort of identity crisis, although crisis is a bit of an exaggeration. Identity shift is probably more appropriate. I have lived for almost the last ten years as a woman whose weight hovered around 20-30 pounds overweight. I never thought much of it but now that I’m losing the weight (I lost 8 last year, plus the 5 I’ve lost since I set my goal) I realize how much weight that really is. If you need an idea, go carry around 2 or 3 gallons of milk. It gets heavy.

To be completely honest, I’m getting pretty geeked about losing this weight. People are already telling me they can see a difference, including my husband who I am beginning to suspect only married me for one thing, and that thing has two cheeks but is not my face. I am secretly loving all of the attention (maybe not so secretly, I am a middle child after all) and I am trying not to let it go to my head, but it’s keeping me motivated so maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

All of this shrinking is causing me to think about Way Back When I Was Thin. I was thin all my life, even in high school. The irony, however, is that in high school I was very self-conscious of my body. In particular (and even more ironic), the part of my body that my husband admittedly appreciates the most (seriously, his baby got back). So I am trying to envision a “thinner me” in order to keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. It’s helping to look back at old photos, and boy is that a trip. Egads. Hopefully this time around I’ll know how to dress myself a little better.

The funny thing is, I was quite content at my previous size – part of that was attributed to maturity and realizing women are all built differently but also many thanks go out to Stacy and Clinton at What Not To Wear for teaching me how to embrace the curves. I apparently had to grow older and gain 30 pounds before I could develop a positive self-image. And now that I’m perfectly comfortable in my skin, I just want to feel healthy and that involves losing the weight. So here I am. Doing the right thing. And it feels wonderful.

So for the first time ever, Luke had a Puke Fest! If you don’t want to hear all about it, then go ahead and check your email or something. Otherwise, keep reading!

Mike is out of town so Luke spent the day at a friend’s house (she runs a daycare so he had a blast playing with other kids his age). When I brought him home I noticed he was acting kind of tired but figured it was just from all the playing at daycare. By 7 he was yawning a lot and looking sleepy so I took him to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. As soon as I put the toothbrush in his mouth he puked up the cucumbers (cuke puke, ew) he had for dinner. It was a good thing he had been leaning over the sink!

I took him to the bedroom to change his diaper and clean him up (and called my mom for help, cuz seriously this is my first time dealing with a puking child) and was surprised to see that he was falling asleep right there on the changing table. I decided then and there that we would be spending the evening together on the couch. I mean, if a mother can’t be there to comfort her child, what is she good for? I do love the extra snuggles

He slept about an hour and a half on the couch. Then he woke up puked all over himself, the pillow, and his blankie. So I cleaned him up again and put him back on the couch (this time making sure to cover it properly). He sat pretty still for awhile, watching tv, until I told him he could go to sleep if he wanted. At that point he started to roll over onto his belly and you wanna guess what happend? Yup. Except this time in was a two-parter. Just when I thought he was done and had moved in to clean him up, more came gushing out.

The poor guy just gave up. He was looking so defeated. And he was really hating having to get moved around and undressed and redressed when all he wanted to do was just cuddle up with his blankie (which was in the washing machine, of course) and rest. He did get his chance eventually. The blankie was washed and dried and he was finally allowed to sleep in his own crib around 10:30 pm. Of course Momma kept waking up about every hour to go check and make sure he was not drenched in vomit – I didn’t even have to set an alarm, apparently those motherly instincts never go to sleep. Fortunately he did not do any more puking, though he did have a comical event involving poo this morning. I’ll spare you the details on that one.

Despite all the mess Luke is still in good spirits, albeit with a little less energy than usual. He’s taking a good nap right now and I’m sure he will be back to normal in no time!

Holy moly. I stumbled into a very big challenge today. A woman I’ve chatted with on occasion in the locker room at the gym challenged me to a weight loss competition today and… gulp… I accepted. We’re going to see who reaches their weight loss goal first. Her goal is to lose 25 pounds and mine is to lose 20 and the deadline is March 31st. We never did decide on the prize for the winner but we can nail down the details the next time we see each other.

I have never tried to lose that much weight, and certainly not in that short of a time period. Do you think I can do it? It will require more than just exercise; I’m going to really have to watch what I’m eating too. Which is tough because Mike just bought a pack of Reese’s Klondike bars yesterday and I SOOO want one.

Yeah, it will be tough but I’m curious to see what I can accomplish. We’ll find out what I’m really made of!

ETA: If you’re curious, you can track my progress via the link on the right or by clicking here: The Amazing Shrinking Woman.

Our family joined the YMCA last month. Mike has been lifting weights and Luke just started a swimming class. Me? I do a bit of cardio on my lunch breaks. It works out nicely because I am required to take a full hour for lunch (don’t ask me why) and I certainly don’t need 60 whole minutes to eat. So as an alternative to sitting on my rear reading a book, I climb the elliptical or walk on the treadmill. I have absolutely no expectations so any benefits I reap are a bonus in my book.

The first thing I noticed is that I’m sleeping much better at night. I don’t normally sleep well; I don’t get to that R.E.M. cycle as often as I need to. Since I’ve started exercising I now get to that R.E.M. cycle, that deep dream state, and wake up every morning marveling at all the crazy dreams I’ve been missing out on all these years.

The second thing I noticed is that I no longer hit that 2 pm wall where my brain slows down and I feel the desperate need to take a nap. On the contrary, I actually have more energy after my workout and my mind is good and sharp!

The third thing I noticed is that I’m losing weight. I lost 8 pounds last year just from the reduction in stress I experienced when Mike got laid off and was able to stay home and take care of Luke. I discovered today that I shed another pound since having joined the Y. I know it’s just one itty-bitty pound, but my body has always been slow to shed pounds. Slow and steady wins the race. The good thing about that is that I’m also slow to put on pounds, but I’m not planning on doing that any time soon. I’m a tad frustrating that the weight loss is forcing me to buy new clothes, but there are worse things than having to get new clothes