Deanna over at The Open Door, who is now pregnant (yay!) after 4 years of agonizing infertility, recently confessed that she has already fallen into the consumer parent trap. Don’t worry Deanna, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I got to thinkin’ about all the baby stuff we’ve bought or received or been told we needed. Everything can be categorized into three… um… categories.

Category A: Sometimes Helpful But Not Necessary

• Back/Front Carrier or Sling - I had one of each. I used the front carrier once to walk around South Haven when Luke was only a few weeks old. He slept in it the whole time. It was great but I haven’t used it since because it’s awkward and difficult and he hates being put in it. The sling was nice when I could remember how to put it on. I used that a couple times. I kind of wish I hadn’t given it back to Kari because I could use it on those days Luke just wants to be held.
• Changing Pad Cover - Every time we put a clean one on the changing pad Luke pees all over it. It’s a one time use kind of thing, so we usually leave it off.
• Ginormous Stroller - I hate this thing. It’s bulky and a pain to transport. We’ve maybe used it 6 times. I prefer the cheap umbrella stroller. It’s lightweight and fits in the backseat of my car. I leave it there and that way it’s always available when I need it. **Edited to add: Okay, hate is a strong word. When the stroller is in use I actually love it. It’s comfy for Luke, it has a sun shade, and the tires enable you to do some really awesome off-roading. I just get frustrated with it’s size because I’m little and not so strong. Also, I don’t have a place to store it and that kind of thing will always urk me.** 

Category B: Not Worth It If You Ask Me

• Bottle Sterilizer - If you’re ultra-concerned about germs, go for it. I am not.
• Wipe Warmer - This is purely a luxury, in my opinion. If the wipes are really too cold I just rub one between my hands, Mr. Miagi-style. Luke doesn’t seem to mind.
• Ear Thermometer - This is an item I registered for but I was seriously disappointed. You can use it three times in a row and get three different readings. I’m told the forehead one works the best. The pacifier kind give an accurate reading as long as you can keep your baby sucking on it long enough.
• 50 Million Receiving Blankets - For some reason this a popular baby shower item. I know I’ve given a ton of them to expecting mothers. We received a ton and I think we only used 10% of them. If you get a lot of receiving blankets or burp rags at your baby shower, be sure to keep them in the packaging, that way you can return what you don’t need for more useful stuff.

Category C: I Couldn’t Live Without This

• Boppy Pillow - I had a C-section and I breastfed. Holding Luke would have been nearly impossible without the boppy pillow. Also, because of it’s genius shape and firmness, it allowed me to feed him anywhere. No need for special chairs.
• Storage Bins - For all the different sizes they grow through that first year, it’s handy to have them organized in bins and labeled.
• Breast Pump - I went back to work when Luke was 7 weeks old and I continued to breastfeed him until he was 5 months old. Obviously, I couldn’t have done that without a pump. I used the Purely Yours Breast Pump by Ameda and I loved it (about as much as you can love being milked by a machine). It was lightweight, compact, worked terrific, and was almost half the cost of that other pump.

**Edited to add: By the way, I am extremely thankful for everything that was given to us. We have been enormously blessed by our friends and family. In fact, we were so blessed that we received all that we need and more. This is all I’m saying.**

I received word this morning that my good friend was in labor and my youngest sister is scheduled to be induced tomorrow! Two brand new babies, just like that! I’m working just a half day tomorrow so I can go and meet the new little boys. I just hope my sister has the baby before the end of the day, otherwise I’ll have to come back another day to meet the little guy.

I tell ya, I’m way more excited about new babies now that I’m on this side of the infertility fence. Pregnancy news was always tough to swallow when we were trying to conceive, but since having Luke it’s a heck of a lot easier now. I still feel somewhat torn because I’ve been on that other side and I feel a connection with those who are still there, but there’s nothing I can do to help them hop the fence. The most I can do is meet them at the gate and let them know that I’ve been there. There is green grass on both sides, you just need to know where to look.

6.5 years of TTC naturally
Countless HPTs and OPKs
3 months of RE visits
2 surgeries
1 HSG

The result? 2 pink lines and a BFP for PG.

Yup, that’s right, I am pregnant! We found out Saturday, and to be honest we didn’t believe it was true. We took two home tests and a blood test just to be sure. I think after trying all these years we really didn’t think it would ever happen, and if it did we sure didn’t think it would happen so soon after seeing the RE. Needless to say, we are super excited. Now we are crossing our fingers and praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy.

So far I am feeling great. Not any more tired than usual, but I sleep a whole lot better than I used to. I have to keep eating in order to keep from feeling lightheaded, so I stocked up on food here at the office. It’s hard to remember to eat but I’m sure I’ll get used to it. This being a big brand-new journey for me, I’m probably going to want to talk about all of the boring details. However, I don’t want to bore this blog with all of that, so I set up an online pregnancy journal. It’s public, so if any of you are interested, feel free to visit over at http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/bug77/.

No humor today. No interesting life stories. Not even a nostalgic photo. But I did complete some things on my to-do list that have been there for awhile, so I actually feel like I can relax and veg out guilt-free. For to-do list people, that’s an accomplishment worthy of a small celebration. Thankfully I have ice cream and Rocky IV on DVD.

And for those on the edge of your seats from the last post, I’m still waiting for AF. I said that I was 14 DPO but I had been having short cycles, so I based that on a 26 day cycle. If my cycle is back to normal than I have a day or so more of waiting before I POAS (See previous post for abbreviation guide). My nerves are unbelievably stable right now so I bet some of you have been praying. If you have, thank you. You are super duper special to me.

I’ve been trying to keep the blog lighthearted but it’s hard to do when you’re not. I’ve just been a bit off. I think the stress of ttc (trying to conceive) is really getting to me. I don’t expect anyone to understand it unless you’ve been through it yourself, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. I’ll start off by giving you a key to some of the abbreviations commonly used in the online infertility community.

2WW Two-week wait
AF Aunt Flo (your period)
BBT Basal body temperature
BCP Birth control pills
BD Baby dance (sex)
BFN Big fat negative
BFP Big fat positive
CD Cycle day
DPO Days post-ovulation
ENDO Endometriosis
HPT Home pregnancy test
HSC Hysteroscopy
HSG Hysterolsalpinogram
IPS Imaginary pregnancy symptoms
IUI Intra-uterine insemination
LAP Laparoscopy
LMP Last menstrual period
OV Ovulation
OPK Ovulation predictor kit
PG Pregnant
PI Primary infertility
PMS Pre-menstrual syndrome
POAS Pee on a stick (my new favorite, just learned it yesterday)
RE Reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist)
SA Sperm analysis
TTC Trying to conceive

And now that you know the lingo, here’s the rest of my story.

The thing with TTC is that you are always waiting. You wait for OV so you can BD. Then there’s the 14 DPO where you wait to see if AF comes. That 2WW is nerve racking and a huge drain on your emotional health. The possibility that you could be PG never leaves your mind. Always wondering, “What if?” “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” But you can’t know for sure, so you certainly can’t make any long term decisions. If AF comes you have your answer but you are devastated. Then the cycle begins all over again. If it doesn’t come, or you lack the patience that month to wait and see, you take a HPT. If it’s a BFN, it’s a let down but maybe you find some way to convince yourself that maybe it’s just too early to tell. If it’s a BFP, that’s great, but the odds of that happening after all this time are slim.

We have been TTC for almost 7 years, but it’s only the 2nd cycle since seeing the RE and I don’t know how many more cycles I can handle. I feel like I’m parked on the side of a road. It’s a road that ends into an intersection, and your only options are to turn left or right. I’m just waiting to see which way to turn. I left messages for the guy with the directions but haven’t heard back yet. Not only that, but I am watching other people come down this road and make their turns with apparent ease. I might not mind being parked here so much if I knew some others who were parked here with me.

I’m currently 14 DPO, right on the verge of knowing whether I need to brace myself for yet another cycle or if I’ll need to start shopping for fat clothes. In the CDs leading up to this one I typically experience IPS, on the look-out for any feeling that’s out of the ordinary. Then when AF comes I’m furious at myself for believing it could happen. This is certainly much harder than they made you believe in the high school sex ed. classes. You start out with a full supply of hope and with each cycle that supply depletes just a little. Certain things may add back a little bit of hope to that supply, but it never gets fully replenished.

The big question is, how long do you let yourself go through this torment? When do you give up and say that enough is enough? Even then for some the possiblity of getting PG can still be out there lingering. And you still feel stuck at that intersection. Do we plan our lives around the possibility of children, or do we go on as if they will never come? I know kids are not “everything” in life, but they are a pretty big something. I just don’t want to give up and start down some road that would take longer than 9 months to turn around on!

**Addition** Just read a friend’s blog and was reminded of this verse:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the Plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
What a great reminder. Thanks, Christie!

I’m not really looking forward to this HSG today. I wasn’t looking forward to it yesterday either. Basically it’s an x-ray of my reproductive organs. From what I’ve read and from what the doctor tells me, it’s not a pleasant procedure. I won’t give the details here, you’ll have to google it yourself. It’s just more poking and prodding and I’m rather tired of it. Ugh.

*Update*
Wow. I am so glad that is over. It was so much worse than I thought it would be. Even though I read about the procedure in detail beforehand, I was not prepared for that experience. I was expecting uncomfortable, not painful. When they injected the dye, my entire body tensed up, I closed my eyes, squeezed Mike’s hand, and began to hyperventilate. Of course, I didn’t realize I was hyperventilating until afterwards when the doctor told me I needed to stop hyperventilating. I hadn’t realized I would need to utilize a breathing technique for this one. But the good news is that everything is open and normal, so we’ll be scheduling an IUI soon. Mike took me out for lunch afterwards and I’m not expected back at work today, so all in all it hasn’t been too terrible of a Monday.

XM: Stone Temple Pilots - “Big Empty”
Mood: Stir crazy

It’s been all numbers at work today. As much as I love numbers, I need a break every now and then. I took a very short lunch break and now I’m regretting it. I’m getting all jittery and 5:00 can’t come soon enough. So I thought a long, rambling blog post would help (because coffee sure doesn’t).

I had my follow up visit with the doc regarding my surgery. He explained the photos (this is your liver, this is your uterus, this is your stomach, etc.) so I know myself even better now than I did before He said removing the polyps from my uterus will undoubtedly improve my chances of conception. He wasn’t able to look at my fallopian tubes so he would like to schedule an x-ray. I asked when he would want us to try the IUI, and he would like us to try as soon after the x-ray as possible. Although if he finds in the x-ray that my tubes are blocked, then we won’t be doing IUI because that would just be throwing our money down the… um… tubes. I’m just hoping that this next cycle finds us pg so we won’t even have to mess with all of that. Man, this is so much harder than they made it seem in sex ed.

Mike and I are really close to having all the money we need… for fixing the carport and the driveway. If anyone is willing to work for food, we plan on doing the work on two weekends in late September/early October. After that project is finished, the rest of the remodeling that remains will just be odd jobs here and there. We are going to make a list, estimate the cost, and set a goal to have it all done by fall of 2007. We have played around with the idea of moving, but decided we’ll wait a year and then talk more seriously about it. That gives us time to fix up the house and give this baby thing one last shot.

I received an acceptance letter from Ele’s Place for entrance into their facilitator training program, but two of the training dates conflict with Chrysalis (dang all this volunteer work) so I may have to wait until the spring to attend the training. I also put a call into the volunteer coordinator at Rainbows in Chicago to see if they have any programs here in Michigan that I could get involved with. If they have something nearby, I would rather work with them than at Ele’s Place. Rainbows offers grief counseling for kids who have experienced many different kinds of loss, whether it be from death, divorce, separation, incarceration, etc. Ele’s Place deals strictly with grief from death of a loved one. I’m reading a book written by the founder of Rainbows. It’s interesting to hear how she started because it’s everything I have said I want to do. She has done all the legwork, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of that and join their team if I could? They have an outstanding program that reaches worldwide, so it would be a waste of time for me to try to reinvent the wheel.

Okay, jitters are gone now. I’m ready to get back to my beloved spreadsheets!

Ten snappy answers to the question, “When are you going to have a baby?” (From July issue of Conceive magazine)
1) When we get to it, I promise you’ll be the first to know.
2) When we are rich and famous.
3) Why do you want to know?
4) I’ve already had several miscarriages. (This usually shuts them up.)
5) Why are you so nosy? (Said with a smile, this comes off playful, though serious works well, too.)
6) I’m so glad you brought that up! I’m having fertility issues. What do you want to talk about first - my uterine lining or John’s sperm count? (Don’t be surprised if they spit out their coffee on this one.)
7) When we win the lottery. We’re trying, and we’re having a hard time of it. Do you have any other friends with fertility problems?
9) We’ve decided not to have kids; thanks for asking. (When it happens, they’ll be surprised.)
10) We’re in a quandary - puppy or baby. Which do you think would be better?

Now, things not to say to someone struggling with fertility:
1) Just don’t think about it, it will happen!
2) Maybe you’re trying too hard.
3) But I bet it’s fun trying!
4) Just start to adopt - then you’ll get pregnant! That happened to my friend.
5) You’re really lucky - you can do anything you want. We never get to go out anymore.
6) Don’t worry, you’re still young.
7) Why do you want kids anyway? Did you ever think about adopting?
9) Pregnancy is easy for me. I’ll be your surrogate.
10) Anything new on the baby front?
11) Are you keeping your legs up after sex?
12) Are you getting drunk before sex?
13) Is your husband wearing loose underwear?
14) Are you taking your temperature?
15) Are you using an ovulation predictor test?
16) Are you doing it doggy style? That worked for us!
17) Are you doing it in public? That worked for us!
18) You should have more sex.
19) It’s probably for the best.
20) Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant soon.
21) You probably need a vacation.
22) I get pregnant when I look at my husband.
23) Give it time.

In seven years of trying, I have heard just about every one of these, except for maybe number 16. Fertility is a highly personal subject for anyone and it needs to be approached carefully. If you want to know what you can safely say, here’s a suggestion:

“I don’t want to keep asking about the baby stuff. Just know that whenever you want to talk I’m here.”

And please, for heaven’s sake, don’t ever ever ask anyone when they are going to have a baby. It’s nunna yo bizness.

Pizza is in the oven so I’ll take 15 minutes to blog my health update.

My surgery went very well. I’m back to work and feeling good. I won’t go into the gory details (although I’ve thought about posting some of the pictures…) but the most exciting thing is that they found and removed three polyps in my uterus. The doc said they were probably a big factor in my infertility so our chances should be much better now. He wasn’t able to do the tubal dye study so he’ll probably just do it x-ray style back at the office. I’m just glad to have a break from the poking and prodding. I was starting to feel like I had donated my body to science. I’m sure it’s good practice for if I do get pregnant. We’ll see.

The visit with Dr. Beals went very well. They took x-rays of my neck, back, and knees. I have osteoarthritis in my lower back, which explains that pain (which I’ve had since high school, actually). Dr. Beals is going to do further review of the x-rays and let me know her findings at the next visit. They drew a gallon of blood to run lots of tests, and I got to pee in a cup (I have to say I’m getting pretty good at it now). I’m scheduled for a thyroid scan at the hospital in two weeks. After that I’ll be back to the office for my second visit. At that time we’ll be discussing the results of all the tests and talking more about my sleep patterns.

Two things Dr. Beals stressed was sleep and diet. She called me on Sunday to tell me she had some suggestions to help with my sleep but wanted to clear them with my ob/gyn because she knows we are trying to get pregnant. Wouldn’t want to prescribe something I wouldn’t be able to take, obviously. As far as diet goes, she recommended staying away from red meat, yeast, refined sugar, and Nutrasweet. The Nutrasweet was a big one. She said red meat and yeast 2 or 3 times per week isn’t too bad, but to stay away from Nutrasweet altogether. It’s terrible for seratonin levels (which help you sleep properly).

I found that Dr. Beals and her staff are extremely patient and thorough. They have an excellent track record and I’m confident they will be able to find a treatment plan for me that works. At least that’s my hope.

This whole “actually working while I’m at work” is putting a damper on the blog. Ahh, there’s much to talk about but I don’t think I’m in the writing mood. My surgery is tomorrow. I need to get my things together and after that I plan on doing nothing but relaxing. Mom is coming tonight so she can be with me in the morning at the hospital. Mike will be there too, of course, but someone has to keep him company while I’m in surgery.

I had an excellent 1st visit at the Beals Institute on Wednesday. Blood work, x-rays, a lengthy consultation with Dr. Beals about my pain and fatigue. She is an excellent doctor. Very patient, very thorough. I almost felt like I was at the spa because the waiting room is filled with leather furniture, the exam rooms each have a leather recliner, I was in a comfy robe most of the time, and get this - they fed me lunch. Did I forget to mention I was there for four hours? That’s how the long the initial visits take for this kind of thing. It was the best four hours I’ve ever spent at a doctor’s office. I left feeling extremely hopeful.

Last night Claudia cut and highlighted my hair. It looks fantastic. She fixed the length and added more layers on the sides. I love it. Will I ever go back to long hair? I don’t think so.

I have three library books and my movie rental wish list in hand… I am ready for the weekend. Pass me the vicodin.