The miscarriage is officially OVER! My contractions finally stopped Thursday and I passed everything on Friday. I’ll spare you the details, but I will say that it’s amazing that a woman’s body knows exactly what to do in these sorts of situations. So Little Lefty (the doc said the egg came from my left ovary) has been laid to rest and is up in heaven playing ball with her three little cousins. I am doing great. Mike is doing great. Luke had no idea what was going on but he is doing great too. It is nice to come out of the fog and stop feeling like the world revolves around me (though I admit I may have enjoyed that aspect just a tad… you know, just bein’ honest).

The doc says to wait 4-6 months before trying to conceive again, so I’m going to take that time to just relax and enjoy life. If anything good has come out of this, it is yet another reminder of how wonderful our friends and family are. I have received so much support and now it’s my turn to pay it forward. I read a wonderful Bible verse morning. It really struck a chord with me so I’ll leave you with this:

2 Corinthians 1:3-4: All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Romans 4:18-21 (New Living Translation)

18 Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!”^[a] 19 And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb.

20 Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.

When the doctor told me there was no hope for this pregnancy, I took his word for it. I could have opted for the D&C to end the pregnancy right away, but for some reason felt like I needed to wait. I’ve been in a weird limbo ever since. Feeling pregnant physically, but mentally and emotionally convinced that it’s over. Until yesterday. Yesterday I felt a nudging from God that maybe I shouldn’t give up so easily. Maybe I need to have a tad bit of faith that he really could do a miracle here.

I have issues with hope. I am afraid to get my hopes up for most things, afraid that if I do it would make the let down hurt that much more if what I’m hoping for doesn’t come to be. So I am hesitant to hope for a miracle here. I am terrified to let my mind wander to the place of possibility, the idea that maybe this pregnancy isn’t over. I don’t want to be that naive girl who expects unrealistic things. Fortunately, God understands these fears of mine. I believe it was God (not Google) that brought me to these two websites:

The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage Site - “We believe, based on the numerous stories that have found their way into the Misdiagnosed stories forum, that having a retroverted uterus may alter when you may see your baby via ultrasound.”

When a Blighted Ovum is not a Blighted Ovum - “My name is Kay and I am the mother of a four year old not-so-blighted ovum. I was misdiagnosed back in 2002 and told at my 5 1/2 and 6 week ultrasounds that I most likely had a blighted ovum.  After my 7 and 8 week ultrasounds, my doctor strongly recommended a D&C due to blighted ovum. At nearly 9 weeks, we saw my baby for the first time on ultrasound, beating heart and all!”

Apparently it is not so unrealistic to hope for a miracle after all! I read some of the stories on the Misdiagnosed forums and many of them sound similar to mine. I have a retroverted uterus, which could explain why they could not find the fetal pole with both of my ultrasounds.

I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. According to the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage Site, “A blighted ovum is a fertilized egg that implants but does not develop. The gestational sac continues to grow but the baby does not grow within the sac. If the case is a true blighted ovum, the yolk and fetal pole will not be present.” In my case, they were able to see the yolk sac. I think this gives me even more reason to hope.

All of this is science and nature and miracles - stuff I won’t even pretend to understand. The bottom line is that it’s not over until God says it’s over. I can wait with confidence that he is in control and he knows what’s best for me. And that’s all I really need to know.

I’m in the process of creating some new habits and I think I need to add reading this scripture to the list.

Luke 6:37 - ”Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.”

It’s the judging and criticizing that’s always been tough for me. I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s probably because I was such a perfect child, and it’s easy to get up on a high horse when you’re perfect. Of course I know I’m not perfect anymore, because I only brush my teeth once a day and I said sh** last week when I stubbed my toe, but it’s still pretty easy to get on that horse.

Hi, my name is Mindy, and I’m prideful.

I have been struggling with this for too long. See this article I wrote in September of 2003: The Dangers of Horseback Riding. It was a problem then and it’s a problem now. I thought I was doing okay and I let my guard down. I let that pride creep back in. How horribly frustrating. I guess the only thing to do now is to climb back down, crawl to Christ’s feet, and request forgiveness. Thank God for giving us that option!